This is deeply personal and I’ve thought about this from the day I started this blog. I have shared openly and honestly our thoughts, lives and letters and yet I’ve considered keeping this one last letter private. I have decided to share only parts of it, others parts of it I will keep to myself. As J himself wrote parts of this letter are “flippant and … Continue reading J’s last letter.
CONFIDENTIAL FILE NOTE Staff Member: CEO Subject: Performance Review Date: Tuesday, 2 March 2004 During KRP discussions today, J conceded that his performance of normal duties was not satisfactory and that delays in Newsletter production and failure to complete various tasks requested of him, … Continue reading Performance Review
J’s Diary Entry 26 May 2003 Jesus Christ, I really didn’t know I could get so miserable. Have started seeing a shrink again. He’s put me on Citalopram. I started at 20mg a day but am on 30mg now. He wants me to go up to 40 or 60mg. Is kind of scary – side effects are bad. Anxiety, nausea and trembling. Does distract me … Continue reading On the wagon, off the wagon, burn the bloody wagon.
J’s Diary Entry 27 March 2003 Desire to live not increasing. Am spending more and more time at the cinema. Saw “Cradle to the Grave” tonight. There were plenty of people killed for graves but nothing about cradles in there as far as I could tell. It was a chop-sockey shoot ’em up, and quite good as far as that goes. Still very depressed. Thought … Continue reading Hop-scotching through sheep carcasses.
This is J’s Diary Entry for 17 March 2003 – 366 days from when he took his life. This post marks the start of the last year of his life. Went and saw “About Schmidt” at the Kino tonight. On my own, as always. A bit of a depressing film, good, but downbeat. Actually, it really was rather good. Too much music though. An obvious score … Continue reading 366 Days
J’s Diary Entry 16 March 2003 Spent most of today in at work, desperately trying to catch up. Can’t seem to bring myself to do a single goddamn stroke of work while I’m there during the week. Have been so depressed. I think I have been since November but I’ve been trying to ignore it. Naturally, it has now landed on me like a … Continue reading Self Portrait of Self Hate.
J’s Diary Entry 10 March 2003 Kicked Ian out last week, mmm maybe it was end of week before. It was first thing in the morning. He was hanging out his washing. He didn’t take it well. Quietly furious, I’d call it. Said “Well I’m screwed,” a few times. Told him it was cos he never went out. He said “I go out quite a … Continue reading It’s a testament to the horror of his personality and personal hygiene that I do not feel bad about this.
From: S Date: Friday, September 06, 2002 09:00 To: J Subject: Oh J, Life just doesn’t get any more fucked up than this. Barry’s mother killed herself on Tuesday morning. It’s all so strange, I’m struggling to understand any of it. The phone rang just after 3am, phone is on Barry’s side of the bed, he answered it, groggy and said “Hello, Oh, Yes, I understand. Yes, ok.” and … Continue reading Try explaining suicide to children.
Barry received this letter from his mother, it was a short, simple letter sent on 22 August 2002, he didn’t respond. On 2 September 2002 it would take on a whole other meaning. Continue reading A short simple letter, it’s importance not known at the time.
J’s Diary Entry 17 December 2001 Another day wasted in front of the PlayStation. God I hate holidays – I just don’t know what to do with myself. It’s beautiful weather but all I want to do is sit inside a dark room and drink beer. Good God, I’ve drunk so much beer this last fortnight. I must have gained three kilos. Can’t bring myself … Continue reading I’m drinking myself into both a stupor and a larger pants size.