This is J’s Diary Entry for 17 March 2003 – 366 days from when he took his life. This post marks the start of the last year of his life.
Went and saw “About Schmidt” at the Kino tonight. On my own, as always. A bit of a depressing film, good, but downbeat. Actually, it really was rather good. Too much music though. An obvious score always make me feel manipulated.
Paige called me at work today. She got my letter and was very appreciative. God, praise gives me such a boner. We talked for about 40 minutes, but it was mostly her doing the talking, I had nothing to talk about. I haven’t done anything. All I do is go to films every night of the week. Films that I can’t remember the instant I leave the cinema. I’m not kidding either. I spent about 20 minutes once in a semi-serious panic about early-onset Alzheimers because I had absolutely NO recollection of a film I had seen that day. I had watched 3 in one day, but still… I should have been able to at least remember one of the characters or actors. Anyway Jack Nicholson’s character, Warren Schmidt, reminded me a bit of Dick [Dad]. He even looked a bit like Dick. Made me feel weird, a bit sorry for Dick maybe. Then I remembered what a cunt he is, ha ha!
Mum’s gone to Queensland for two weeks with Marge. She’ll be staying with Aunty Tia for a bit too. I oughta ring. Aunty Tia is the only relative I have whom I actually LIKE. I wonder if Mum told her I’m a poof? I hope so. I don’t know why, but I hope so.
Have started working a new schtick about starting up an anti-sex movement. It’s wearing thin already, I can tell, but I can’t seem to stop myself. It seems to make people uncomfortable, like how people never know if it’s OK to laugh when a fatso makes a fat joke. I should stop but I feel compelled.
Actually managed to do a little work today, which was good. Didn’t stop the suicide obsession tho – thought variously about wrist slashing, jumping off a bridge, walking into traffic and electrocution. At least there’s some variety in my idée fixe. (If there’s variety, is it still an idée fixe?). Managed to stick to the diet today at least.
Cruised the NY Times Online Personals today. All those New York poofs – so damned skinny! not a chubster among them. Some downright freaks though. Which is as it should be.