—–Original Message—– From: J Sent: 05 February 2004 02:13 To: S Subject: Open at your peril. I don ‘t really know what ‘s going on here, but I think it’s bad. Very, very bad. J [There was a photo attached – from memory it was a very, very bad, cheesy family Christmas photo, one where they are wearing matching horror outfits.] —–Original Message- … Continue reading I love you, be happy. I’ll be there soon.
S Journal Entry 25 January 2004 I remember being so surprised that Nana had had a job at one point. And I remember being so proud learning Nana Mc had worked for Myers Department Store for years. I remember her telling me once that Pop had come home from work and asked “How was your day?” she told me she said; “Jack, today I saw … Continue reading I saw a black dog.
J’s Diary Entry 26 May 2003 Jesus Christ, I really didn’t know I could get so miserable. Have started seeing a shrink again. He’s put me on Citalopram. I started at 20mg a day but am on 30mg now. He wants me to go up to 40 or 60mg. Is kind of scary – side effects are bad. Anxiety, nausea and trembling. Does distract me … Continue reading On the wagon, off the wagon, burn the bloody wagon.
J’s Diary Entry 27 March 2003 Desire to live not increasing. Am spending more and more time at the cinema. Saw “Cradle to the Grave” tonight. There were plenty of people killed for graves but nothing about cradles in there as far as I could tell. It was a chop-sockey shoot ’em up, and quite good as far as that goes. Still very depressed. Thought … Continue reading Hop-scotching through sheep carcasses.
This is J’s Diary Entry for 17 March 2003 – 366 days from when he took his life. This post marks the start of the last year of his life. Went and saw “About Schmidt” at the Kino tonight. On my own, as always. A bit of a depressing film, good, but downbeat. Actually, it really was rather good. Too much music though. An obvious score … Continue reading 366 Days
J’s Diary Entry 16 March 2003 Spent most of today in at work, desperately trying to catch up. Can’t seem to bring myself to do a single goddamn stroke of work while I’m there during the week. Have been so depressed. I think I have been since November but I’ve been trying to ignore it. Naturally, it has now landed on me like a … Continue reading Self Portrait of Self Hate.
J’s Diary Entry 9 January 2003 9.30am – I just realised something about all my New Year’s Resolutions – I’m in one of my disciplined phases. I’m eating well, exercising, concerned about work, being sociable, active. This always make it easier to stick to things, but… what about when it’s over? What will I do when the ennui comes back, with it’s sidekick, Lazybones? How … Continue reading How typical of me to be looking for maggots in the banquet.
From: S Sent: 29 November 2002 9:18AM To: J Subject: Where art thou? Hello, my little bruv, well you have come out from under your rock then! I’m going to say it, Happy Birthday, Happy Bloody Birthday to you. Ok have been trying to sort out your CD radio clock thingy but it has to come from New South Wales, is there anywhere in … Continue reading Where art thou?
—–Original Message—– From: J Sent: 08 November 2002 6:04 AM To: S Subject: Oooh! You know what I REALLY do want? This thing called a “Spy Ear”. It’s this tiny little thing that looks like a radio but it’s an amplifier and you can listen in on people 30 feet away. They’re cheap, and they’re all over the web but I can’t find anyone to … Continue reading A turkey wears ear plugs?
In July 2002 Mum flew to the UK to spend time with us. Brady had just turned 7 and Ola was 2 years and 4 months old. It was a fraught and emotional visit. Mum has slid into what seemed like a deep, nasty hole, she was so angry, bitter, visceral. My mother has never been a kind, gentle, hugs and kisses type of person, … Continue reading I love you but I don’t like you.