“What slaves we are to time. We live in seconds, rushing, rushing, rushing. My tram is 3 minutes late! Three whole minutes for god-sake. It must have been different before the advent of the wristwatch, yeah? Before clocks were everywhere.”
“I think of the beginnings and ends of relationships, and it’s too messy for a teutonic precisionist like me. Too many loose ends, exposed nerves.”
“I’m like ice-cream, delicious and sweet, but too much will make you puke.”
“Still waters run deep. And murky.”
“I thought we might have a brawl. I was ready, I’ve read my Kerouac, I’ve read my Hemingway, I was ready to plumb the depths of my masculinity and take on the nature of the Brute. I was ready to smash and pulverize, I wanted to rumble baby!”
“I hope he’s impotent and gets cancer in his eyes.”
“I hate laughing at crap jokes. I have to laugh at so many crap jokes in the course of my day, just to stroke the egos of others.”
“It’s sad to see Cav go, he’s a unique sort of chap, jocose but armed with a steel-plated intellect. I must admit that I followed him around like a loose-skinned puppy for a few months, hoping to blossom by osmosis, but eventually my stinging over-sensitivity pushed me back to a more dignified distance.”
“No use doing anything, Mr Reaper comes for us all, and he doesn’t care if you’re single, married, successful, a failure, or anything. The great leveller.”
“Don’t you ever feel like stuff is pointless ‘coz of the impermanence of it all?”
“Maybe I can survive on bitterness, save it up, screw it into a little ball and push it way down deep inside til it’s a hard shining and perfect diamond axis upon which my soul and entire being spins, like the Hindus’ believe that the earth rotates on a diamond.”
“Geez, sentimental I know, but take away sentiment from the letter writer and what are you left with? – just the facts.”
“We’re all doomed. The best thing we can do is speed up the process, wring as much entertainment from our own demise as we can.”
“Pointlessness is the glue that holds the cosmos together you know. I wish I could pull it over my head like a blanket and go to sleep.”
“It’s expectations that fuck you up you know. There’s no point in expecting anything from pointlessness.”
“Why can’t I just be wearily designed and expect the nothing that I’m always gonna get.”
“I feel like the neglected girl-next-door, too plain, too sedentary. Why is it that the sparkling ones, the one’s whose glittering conversation and friendship I yearn for, always slip away, receding into the distance.”
“I feel like I’m turning myself inside out here. It’s like choosing a method for your own death, it’s gonna be unpleasant no matter what you do.”
“Is it just part of human nature to be unhappy with what you have, no matter how good it is?”
“I’m walking along looking at the people in their fifties and I think “God, I’ve got to keep getting up every morning and keep breathing for the next forty or fifty years”
“I’m living in dreamland, and now I wake to find the hound of reality with its jaws planted firmly in the wobbily expanse of my ass. I don’t wanna live in the real world. Shit.”
“I’m at the point where every little daily injustice outrages me to the point where I feel like my moral soul is being massaged by a cheese grater.”
“My juvenile dreams wont’t spring into reality and unfurl like a roll of Presidential red carpet for me to stroll down.”
“In homage to the great Victor Frankenstein I’m going to make me a chocolate woman, with Maltesers for eyes.”
“Perhaps I should embark on a new age of learning, sloughing my old skin of laziness and revealing delightful new scales of vigorous intellectual pursuit. Or maybe I should just stick to pomposity, I do it so well.”
“It’s no coincidence that sexy chicks always work in music shops, it’s a sadistic plan to make you feel embarrassed about buying daggy music.”
“Do they have team knitting events? I wonder if they’re allowed to share needles?”
“I don’t want anything to do with someone unless I am completely sure I won’t be rejected.”
“Remember when you were a kid and you were grumpy at one of life’s injustices, and the adults would say “I think someone’s a bit tiiiiired” and it would pissed you off even more because you weren’t tired, you were pissed off. And so here I am, fifteen years later, trying to explain away a rotten mood by telling myself I’m tired.”
I spoke to about four girls during the course of the evening, and I even had on a mohair jumper, but all to no avail.
“Funny how you don’t realise how dunk you are until you get in the front door of your own house.”
“The sunlight woke me up and introduced me to my headache who would be accompanying me for the next four to five hours.”
“Embarrassment springs eternal as does vanity and paranoia.”
“I’ve read that beautiful chicks think that being beautiful is enough in itself, and they don’t put in any effort in the sack.”
“I’d like to explain how a cheery boy with a love of reading developed a penchant for books exploring the “darker regions of the soul” he’d had not personally acquainted himself with. Smitten thus with the romance of tragedy, aberration and mental illness that produced such literary genius, he sought to emulate it, and successfully obtained the means.”
I fear the vulnerability of confession.
This artifice of depression has wormed its way into my head and, like a Swiss backpacker, has overstayed its welcome.
“I’m tired and l’m lonely and I want someone to love me.”
“Fare dodging makes me feel special.”
“I’m an Uncle to a girl with no name.”
Well, today has started better than yesterday. Some lady was giving me the eye on the tram this morning. She was hideous, but it’s nice to be noticed.
The band played like the pool players – for too long and with too little talent.
Reincarnation is my greatest fear. That, and the dentist.
When I’ve exercised all this wobble off, I might even venture out to pluck a fruit from the girl tree.
I guess that’s the curse of being positive, you become boring.
As soon as I start wearing yellow, call in the Existentialist SWAT Team to kidnap me and re-affirm in my mind how pointless life really is.
I turned a corner while in bed this morning.
Imagine knowing your Mum has taken human life with zeal. It would certainly put a different skew on disciplinary matters.
If I feel the need to flee, I’ll start acting appallingly. Maybe I should make myself a menu of atrocities to commit, in case I go blank at a critical moment.