I Hope

I’m really not sure if I’m doing this properly, I understand people maybe don’t comment on the writing as it has already been written by my brother. It’s not possible to ‘tweak’ the story line as such, it is what it is, and unfortunately set in stone. I don’t know if anyone is reading this from beginning in order or if people are just reading them as and when they pop up with a tag that resonates with them.  I guess without reading the ABOUT Page it may not make sense to people.

It is my hope that people take the journey, start at the start and hopefully see themes, threads developing, family interactions that I may not have seen being too close to the picture, a nuance I may have missed, a perspective I haven’t applied –I’m seeking your interpretations of our interactions, your comparable experiences and advice from siblings of suicide, children of depressed parents, anyone.

I took my time to put all our correspondence in order and am posting from 1991 to 2004, when my brother died.  I have come across a number of letters J wrote to me but never sent – I have decided that I will include these marked as NOT SENT, there must be a reason he didn’t send them. I am also posting J’s drawings attached to the relevant letter and am gradually listing his library of books on GoodReads – link to the right of the page – I am assuming I’m doing it properly and that the links are working.  Being technically challenged I am happy to receive any advice on my layout, posting frequency, links etc.

I am hoping that readers can help me to understand my family, and view us from alternative perspectives.  I also hope that if people read it in order and see the development of J’s depression and anhedonia that they may recognise it in themselves or others and it may help them save themselves, a friend, a loved one, a co-worker, a brother, anyone.

It is also my hope that someone will fall in love with my brother. His writing is insightful and humorous, albeit snarky humor (not to everyone’s taste I know) but if someone can learn to understand this beautiful man, his ways and his life and love him I will have succeeded in some way, if in some small way my little brother can touch a complete strangers heart then what I’m doing will mean something.




© 2015 Dead Mans Diaries (S)


12 thoughts on “I Hope

  1. What you are doing is a beautiful tribute to the relationship you and your brother shared. I guess you must feel as I do, that by sharing our stories–if it helps just that one person—then maybe we can accept what happened. I don’t know if what I am doing is right, I just know I have to try.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, your comment is like a warm hug. I am J’s sister, always will be but I am now a sibling of suicide and always will be, I’m the one that always has to sit next to the “empty chair” at family dinners. No one to confirm our childhood with. Like you I don’t know if what I’m doing is right – you put it perfectly “I just know I have to try” I just don’t know what other options or paths there are for me to take. No one says his name out loud anymore. Thank you so much, wish I could give you a real hug back.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. But you haven’t forgotten him. You are making sure he continues to touch other lives. If you sharing his story changes the course of just one person’s life, oh what a wonderful tribute to him. And in the process I pray it helps you find peace too. Please contact me anytime, you continue to give me the courage to speak up.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. My sister committed suicide, as did my birth father. The realities never are what the memories paint it as….my horendous childhood by the hands of a narcissistic mother and step father..who was also a pedophile. ….should have left me a mental and emotional cripple..but..survival and defending myself became mightier than the abuse…there are no winners.but there is healing…..and forgiving everyone was easy..I had forgiven them all along the path of my life…just to “belong” to someone..to be a part of a family…where being the scapegoat was the only way i was accepted….it was in forgiving myself…that was indeed the hardest…for all that I had chose to call my life… the healing became real for me when I saw the strength of my soul……..I lost every genetic family member…when i set the boundaries..when i spoke my truth..when i exposed their real deceptions…and my bare bones…. the abuse, physical,mental, and emotional was immense…we all have the bruises upon our memories…but the journey to elucidated truth sets us free one step at a time…the dance is where we create our story….and awakening is a horrible relief……

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you just doesn’t seem a big enough word. I’ve thought a lot about boundaries since you wrote this and it is like a golden sphere of insight. If only my brother and I had the courage and confidence to activate the boundaries we only talked about. Instead of saying “why do they do this to us” we should have said “they can no longer do this to us”
      “Awakening is a horrible relief” is so apt to what is happening to me as I blog our history and I thank you for putting it into words for me.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. When you write a post, you should be able to edit the date that it was “posted” to be whatever date you wish–even before the site existed. This might help you slot pieces in.

    This is a gorgeous project. I’m excited to read through.


  4. Only just discovered you this evening. J’s voice is amazing; I’ve only just dipped into a couple of his letters from 1995 and already he feels alive to me. Thank you so much for sharing him with us.

    Liked by 2 people

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