A turkey wears ear plugs?

-----Original Message-----
From:    J
Sent:    08 November 2002 6:04  AM
To:      S                                  
Subject: Oooh! You know what I REALLY do want?

This thing called a “Spy Ear”.  It’s this tiny little thing that looks like a radio but it’s an amplifier and you can listen in on people 30 feet away.

They’re cheap, and they’re all over the web but I can’t find anyone to ship them to Australia that doesn’t look super dodgy. I’d LOVE one of those. (Cos I’m paranoid and wanna know what everyone’s saying.) Send me three or four.  (I’ll pay you back) and I’ll give ’em to other people as presents. We can all sit around listening to each other.

J

 

-----Original Message-----
From:    S
Sent:    Friday, November 08, 2002 9:12PM
To:      J
Subject: RE: Oooh! You know what I REALLY do want?

Ooohh, I’ve got one of those, you can have mine, it works quite well but don’t sneeze while wearing it like I did, nearly deafened (and shit) myself.

What is your work address will send it there?

S

 

From:     J
Sent:     10 November 2002  10:28PM
To:       S
Subject:  RE: Oooh! You know what I REALLY do want?

Don’t you want it anymore? Ooh, I’d be too addicted to EVER give it up. Does it work good? Ooh, how excellent! All my work contact details are in my autosig, down the bottom. Can you believe I’m working in bloody Toorak?! If you were still coming out for Xmas I could really take you to the good shopping places now – it’s all down here in South Yarra/Prahran. But not for me, I’m on a one-month vow: no clothes shopping, no getting bladdered. And I’ve stuck to it so far (and saved an embarrassing amount of money). I have had a few drinks tho, it’s no crazy temperance thing. Last weekend went to a friend-of-a-friend’s place for a little farewell thingy, she’s moving back to Sydney. Had few wines in her GORGEOUS townhouse then went to ‘Revolver’ in Chapel Street but went home without getting blind. Then Friday just gone I went to another friend’s (Alley) farewell at the ‘Terminus’ (I call it the Verminous) Hotel in Richmond, right near the vinegar skipping girl sign. Left around 10, six light beers sloshing around in my belly.

Had a rather quiet weekend after that. Didn’t go out Saturday night, just didn’t feel like it. Yesterday I went to a photography exhibition at the Museum (it was ok, overpriced tho) and then saw “Kissing Jessica Stein” with Jade. It’s a lezzo flick. Kinda annoying, but alright.

I tell you what IS annoying and NOT alright tho – my bloody housemate Ian.   Jesus CHRIST wot a LOSER! Me ‘n Jade are gonna kick him out good and proper shortly. Last night I snuck into his room while he was out and sweet merciful Lord above, he has got to go. He’s got tin foil covering his window, so not a speck of light gets in. But there’s no lampshade, so when the lights on, it’s garishly bright. He has no wardrobe, so all his clothes are in bin liners on the floor. He has no bed linen –  NONE – so he sleeps on top of the bare mattress under a bare doona on bare pillows. And he’s 31. He only goes out to ONE bar on Friday and Saturday nights and otherwise never leaves his room. His only concern in life is trying to get a root. He calls women “birds” and talks about their “jugs”, but only to me, never to Kath, cos I think he knows that she would chuck him into a wall. And I’m too repulsed by him to attempt any re-education. Anyway, he NEVER scores, and I think it’s made him a bit misogynistic, he thinks women are just walking vaginas, you know? (I reckon he goes to the prozzies too.) Add to this his appearance: short, ginger, skinny and an Adam’s apple which sticks out further than his chin, and you’ve got quite a package.

He never speaks to Jade or I, and he hasn’t eaten one meal with us, nor has he cooked us a meal. And come to think of it, I haven’t seen him eat one single vegetable in the whole time he’s been living with us. (He eats those baked beans that come in a can with the sausages, you know?  Ugh!)  He doesn’t ask you how your day was, how you’re feeling, nothing, he gives us NOTHING. So, me ‘n Jade we’re gonna boot him, but then Jade says “Wait, wait. Let’s wait until after Xmas.” So, I’m trying to scale back my full tilt loathing of this loser, and last night me ‘n Jade are watching a film, “The Royal Tenenbaums”, and he ambles through the lounge room and says “Err, guys, if you see this saucepan, whatever you do, don’t use it to cook anything, alright? It’s the saucepan I use to boil my earplugs.”

I just looked at him and said, “Uh huh.” And I thought to myself “Christmas be damned, you’re out of here, Turkey.” That’s what me and Jade call him, ‘The Turkey’. It’s gonna be awkward, I haven’t kicked anyone out of a house in a long long time, but it has to be done. I reckon the hardest bit will be advertising for new people, showing them the room while he’s still in it.

Mind you, at least we can show them his cesspit of a room and say, “I guess you understand why we’ve asked Ian to leave.”

Bah! I’m going to get some work done. This is supposed to be my refuge from him.

J

 

 

 

 

 

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