J’s Diary Entry

27 March 2003

Desire to live not increasing. Am spending more and more time at the cinema. Saw “Cradle to the Grave” tonight. There were plenty of people killed for graves but nothing about cradles in there as far as I could tell. It was a chop-sockey shoot ’em up, and quite good as far as that goes. Still very depressed. Thought about jumping off an overpass with a piano-wire-neck-bungie today. Would be quick. And OUTSTANDINGLY gruesome! Fuck it. You know, I can see what’s wrong, and it’s obvious what I need to do to fix it; but there’s this dumb-arse part of me that WANTS to be unhappy, self-destructive. So tired of it, bored with it. What I need to do is get fit, do some work, get laid. But I just can’t start, I feel paralysed (and clichéd). I really feel I should be able to pull myself out of this.

Am getting very damn grouchy too. Cracking the shits with people at work – there’s one, I want to STAB simply because she comes and visits me in my office! I’m such a prima donna. I should fix a Miss Piggy Star to my office door. Am crotchety at Jade too, for no real reason.

The US/UK/Australian invasion of Iraq is underway. I read about it all day on the UK Guardian and US NY Times websites, but I’m at a loss for what to say about it.

Also the weekend in Skipton – did I mention this? – was OK. Kind of boring, there was NOTHING to do there. Went for a walk through a paddock, hop-scotching through sheep carcasses. Barely even noticed I wasn’t drinking. It will be three months soon.