This is deeply personal and I’ve thought about this from the day I started this blog. I have shared openly and honestly our thoughts, lives and letters and yet I’ve considered keeping this one last letter private. I have decided to share only parts of it, others parts of it I will keep to myself. As J himself wrote parts of this letter are “flippant and … Continue reading J’s last letter.
J’s Diary Entry 27 March 2003 Desire to live not increasing. Am spending more and more time at the cinema. Saw “Cradle to the Grave” tonight. There were plenty of people killed for graves but nothing about cradles in there as far as I could tell. It was a chop-sockey shoot ’em up, and quite good as far as that goes. Still very depressed. Thought … Continue reading Hop-scotching through sheep carcasses.
This is J’s Diary Entry for 17 March 2003 – 366 days from when he took his life. This post marks the start of the last year of his life. Went and saw “About Schmidt” at the Kino tonight. On my own, as always. A bit of a depressing film, good, but downbeat. Actually, it really was rather good. Too much music though. An obvious score … Continue reading 366 Days
J’s Diary Entry 16 March 2003 Spent most of today in at work, desperately trying to catch up. Can’t seem to bring myself to do a single goddamn stroke of work while I’m there during the week. Have been so depressed. I think I have been since November but I’ve been trying to ignore it. Naturally, it has now landed on me like a … Continue reading Self Portrait of Self Hate.
From: S Sent: 29 November 2002 9:18AM To: J Subject: Where art thou? Hello, my little bruv, well you have come out from under your rock then! I’m going to say it, Happy Birthday, Happy Bloody Birthday to you. Ok have been trying to sort out your CD radio clock thingy but it has to come from New South Wales, is there anywhere in … Continue reading Where art thou?
From: S Date: Friday, September 06, 2002 09:00 To: J Subject: Oh J, Life just doesn’t get any more fucked up than this. Barry’s mother killed herself on Tuesday morning. It’s all so strange, I’m struggling to understand any of it. The phone rang just after 3am, phone is on Barry’s side of the bed, he answered it, groggy and said “Hello, Oh, Yes, I understand. Yes, ok.” and … Continue reading Try explaining suicide to children.
From: ‘J’ Date: 14 May 2002 02:19AM To: ‘S’ Subject: Adulthood looms on the horizon. Hey Sis, Jade (my housemate and top chum) is looking at buying a house and she wants to go thirds with me and someone else. Do you think I should? It’s the only way I’ll ever be able to afford to buy a house that isn’t in the fucking sticks … Continue reading I’m gay, I could not possibly live in the burbs.
J’s Diary Entry 16 November 2001 Well! What excitement! Dull day at work. Got home with an armful of junk food, five videos and a strong dose of misanthropy. Jade begged me to go out to seek drinks with her but I steadfastly refused. Then Paige asked me to go for a bike ride with her (it was a beautiful evening), again I stuck to … Continue reading Mum’s Cancer = get out of stuff ya don’t wanna do.
J’s Diary Entry 13 November 2001 I have a feeling of profound dissatisfaction with my life tonight. Bored out of my brains Wouldn’t mind drawing but no one will pose for photographs for me anymore. Have eaten a proper dinner plus a large bag of chips and a box of BBQ Shapes. Am getting fat – Heaven’s only knows why! – and hardly even seem … Continue reading I’m a salad dodger.
J’s Diary Entry 7 November 2001 Lousy day – felt nervous at work, waiting for the kick for that mailing I fucked up. Couldn’t even check Seek.com for jobs cos they’re monitoring the internet usage now. Got lots of work done, even if I do feel like the village idiot. I got that awful feeling today that I was profoundly unsuited to my job. To … Continue reading I want something from someone that can’t be articulated.