I want something from someone that can’t be articulated.

J’s Diary Entry

7 November 2001

Lousy day – felt nervous at work, waiting for the kick for that mailing I fucked up. Couldn’t even check Seek.com for jobs cos they’re monitoring the internet usage now.  Got lots of work done, even if I do feel like the village idiot.  I got that awful feeling today that I was profoundly unsuited to my job.  To any job. O I’ll end up walking the streets, trying to sell my spotty, wobbly body to disinterested passersby.  Actually that would make a good photo – me as a washed up prostitute.

Went to Eve’s place at lunchtime for something to do.  It smells of cat pee.  I already know this, but every time I volunteer to go, cos I wanna smell it to know how bad it is. I stroked Nina the cat and she moulted all over me.

I think it’s definitely work that I hate.  I didn’t realise it at the time, but I didn’t think much about killing myself last week when I was on my own all the time.  Today I thought about it at least five times.  Even looked over the bridge over the Yarra on Bridge Road.  At least I didn’t throw up or use the vending machine at work today.  But I’ve got that smothered feeling, like I want something from someone that can’t be articulated.

 

9 November 2001

Dull day, not much on.  In a foul mood, lashed out a couple of times, slagging people off viciously in their absence. Jade’s invited some people over for election night drinks tomorrow night.  I’m not really in the mood for it but Jade has read me the riot act and I have to be here, unless…. ooh this is evil – unless I tell her I’m going to my Mums’… oooh… so evil…

I think I really have to look for a new job, have felt so depressed these last few days.  Will the next one by any different tho?  And can I even DO anything else?  Bah! Keep thinking about killing myself but have decided it would be a bit mean to Mum while she’s sick.  No good time for bad news I guess (assuming it would be bad news) Feeling that stab of physical loneliness, God I wish it would just go away.

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