I’m drinking myself into both a stupor and a larger pants size.

J’s Diary Entry

17 December 2001

Another day wasted in front of the PlayStation. God I hate holidays – I just don’t know what to do with myself.  It’s beautiful weather but all I want to do is sit inside a dark room and drink beer.  Good God, I’ve drunk so much beer this last fortnight.  I must have gained three kilos. Can’t bring myself to do anything about it – just keep remembering that I’m not going to sleep with anyone anyway so what does it matter if I’m fat? But then I remember – vaguely – how vital it is to me to be desired.  I think that’s my perverse ideal – to be wanted by someone so I can knock them back and get sympathy out of it somehow.  Ah – all I really want is attention.  So why do I lock myself away, let the phone ring out and drink myself into both a stupor and larger pants size? I’ve been toying with taking Prozac again.  It seemed to help a bit and I’ve got the wanna-dies again.  These days I seem to linger over what I need to do before killing myself – burning diaries, photos, letters.  Getting hold of some sedatives, organising it so that a professional (a nurse or ambulance person or cop) finds me.  Need to write a letter too.  Yeah – so I obsess about this stuff instead of the act itself.  What the hell does this mean?


*Drawing by J.

2 thoughts on “I’m drinking myself into both a stupor and a larger pants size.

    1. This was my hope from the beginning and I am so very grateful to you for commenting as such. The blog doesn’t have a huge following but those that do follow are so encouraging and appreciate my brother’s writing. They fully understand what I’m trying to achieve in sharing it all.

      I’ve tried linking to everything, Twitter, Instagram, FaceBook (one wonderful follower kindly shares my blog address on Twitter) and other sites but it doesn’t seem to work. It’s just such a busy, noisy world. I am encouraged that people like yourself take the time to read it and comment. In doing this some people now know my brother and they think he was pretty alright, and I know I am doing something he would be happy with and proud of. So I’ll keep going to the end for this small, kind, understanding crowd of unmet friends.

      Thank you so much. S

      Liked by 1 person

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