J’s Diary Entry
Wednesday, 17 May 1995
Actually thought about someone else today. I decided I shouldn’t kill myself until my sister has her baby. I actually didn’t want to stress her at this point. I wonder if anyone suspects how much it is on my mind? I truly hope not, I don’t want their suffocating concern. That’s why I like Simon, he’s such a hard man, in a faux kinda way. He indulges me only on a deeper level. I wonder if I would feel better about life if I had a girlfriend. That sounds so silly – “a girlfriend”. I don’t think I could ever find anyone tolerant enough to stand a celibate boyfriend who never goes out the front door. God, how long ’til I stop caring about anything? I crave the peace that must come with complete inner deadness.