J’s Diary Entry
Wednesday, 17 May 1995
Actually thought about someone else today. I decided I shouldn’t kill myself until my sister has her baby. I actually didn’t want to stress her at this point. I wonder if anyone suspects how much it is on my mind? I truly hope not, I don’t want their suffocating concern. That’s why I like Simon, he’s such a hard man, in a faux kinda way. He indulges me only on a deeper level. I wonder if I would feel better about life if I had a girlfriend. That sounds so silly – “a girlfriend”. I don’t think I could ever find anyone tolerant enough to stand a celibate boyfriend who never goes out the front door. God, how long ’til I stop caring about anything? I crave the peace that must come with complete inner deadness.
deadmansdiaries.com 
I know this must hurt and I am sure he would not have wanted to cause you pain. I hope you can draw comfort that he thought of you and the baby. You are in my thoughts.
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Thank you so much, just thank you. It’s not easy reading it all, typing it all, living it all. But that someone, anyone, you, are reading it means so much. I am so grateful and thankful to you, I truly am. That my brother lived/suffered another nine years is beyond tormenting. I didn’t do enough and now this is all I can do. Thank you, thank you. S
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