I decided I shouldn’t kill myself until my sister has her baby.

J’s Diary Entry

Wednesday, 17 May 1995

Actually thought about someone else today.  I decided I shouldn’t kill myself until my sister has her baby.  I actually didn’t want to stress her at this point.  I wonder if anyone suspects how much it is on my mind?  I truly hope not, I don’t want their suffocating concern.  That’s why I like Simon, he’s such a hard man, in a faux kinda way.  He indulges me only on a deeper level.  I wonder if I would feel better about life if I had a girlfriend.  That sounds so silly – “a girlfriend”.  I don’t think I could ever find anyone tolerant enough to stand a celibate boyfriend who never goes out the front door.  God, how long ’til I stop caring about anything? I crave the peace that must come with complete inner deadness.

2 thoughts on “I decided I shouldn’t kill myself until my sister has her baby.

  1. I know this must hurt and I am sure he would not have wanted to cause you pain. I hope you can draw comfort that he thought of you and the baby. You are in my thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, just thank you. It’s not easy reading it all, typing it all, living it all. But that someone, anyone, you, are reading it means so much. I am so grateful and thankful to you, I truly am. That my brother lived/suffered another nine years is beyond tormenting. I didn’t do enough and now this is all I can do. Thank you, thank you. S

      Like

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