J’s Diary Entry

Thursday, 18 May 1995

I said an awkward hello to Cav in the fax room today.  It lifted me for a bit, made me think or rather tacitly hope that things would go back to how they were.  I know they wont though.  Exile is a little more dignified when it’s self imposed.  I’m going to ask Caitlin if I can leave at 4pm tomorrow.  I’ll say I have a doctor’s appointment.  She can’t turn me down, I’ve been early all week, I was even in at 8am today.  I think Simon might know what is going on but he is playing it close to his chest.  God, I sound so cloak ‘n dagger, it’s silly.  I’m still kinda craving a drink, but it makes me more determined.  Maybe it’s partly pride which has made me so lonely.  Pride that says “I don’t need anyone,” and “I’ll dump them before they can dump me.”  It’s a mixture of fear and pride I guess.

Brett rang me at work today and bored me with stories about his meditation classes.  He wanted to make sure I’d come to his gig on Friday.  I was planning to stand him up, but I guess I’ll go.  I think I’ll pay to get in, pretend I’m sick and then go.  All he’s after is numbers through the door anyway.  I’m so sick of people, I wish I wasn’t, but I am.  I just wish they would all go away.  I got an invitation to a fancy dress party that Penny is throwing on June 3rd.  Now I have to think of some way to get out of that too.  Why don’t I like anyone who likes me?  Why did I have to really like Cav?  I’m going to be all alone ’til I die.  Death won’t unite me with anything either, it’ll just be an obliteration, at least that’s what I hope.  Reincarnation is my greatest fear. That, and the dentist.  I think all my teeth are rotting away, I get funny tastes in my mouth and odd sensations in my teeth. I’m too terrified to go to the dentist, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Picture from Pixaby