J’s Diary Entry

Monday, 22 May 1995

First day at work with new hair do.  God, you’d think I was levitating or something, they were so amazed. Even Cav said something from a safe distance.

Had a stressful experience in Collins Place today.  In the morning I went over for some food and passed Kara, the girl with the green eyes from “Croissant Connection” that everyone in the office has been cruelly ribbing me about.  I was so stressed that I affected a mask of boredom and looked at the ground as she walked by.  Later on though, I went back to Collins Place to buy a magazine for work and didn’t have my glasses on.  I saw someone shout out from one of the tables near “Croissant Connection” and squinted to see who it was.  It was Kara.  STRESS.  I looked hurriedly away, she must have noticed.  As I walked past a table, someone got up and started following me, really close.  I only saw this out of the corner of my eye, but I think it was a guy.  I pretended not to notice and strolled on, then I heard someone call a name in my direction, and I think they stopped. At first I thought one of them fancied me, and someone was calling their bluff by approaching me.  Then I realized it was probably someone wanting to beat me up for Kara because I keep looking at her and probably intimidating her.  I blushed furiously and broke into a sweat and left the Newsagent, sneaked out the side door of Collins Place and breathed in deeply as I fled up Flinders Lane.  The people at work have wound me up so tight about this girl that I now freak out completely every time I see her.  Now I’m gonna have to walk up Flinders Lane and use the side entrance every time I want some food.  Damn it, why is everything so unnatural and difficult?  I hate feeling vulnerable.

When I told Simon about this, he intimated that it was all in my mind, and that I’m weak for allowing everyone to fuck with my head.  I guess he’s right but I still feel fucking hostile.

Tuesday, 23 May 1995

A better day.  Freezing cold. I felt a little more buoyant, even a bit light-hearted in isolated bursts.  I strolled past “Croissant Connection” this morning with Donna fom work, trying my hardest to look like I was having a great time – laughing and animated.  I snuck around the side entrance to buy my afternoon coffee though.  I would have felt too vulnerable on my own.

I’m thinking about going for drinks this Friday night, but I’m not sure.  I’m almost completely certain that I’ve blown it with Cav.  I don’t blame him, I haven’t been exactly stable these last two weeks.  I think I was really teetering on the brink of real paranoia yesterday.  I’m not exactly sure what happened, I was really up tight.  I don’t know what I’ve done to myself, but I really can’t cope with women in a sexual way.  If I think someone likes me I tense up and literally flee the scene.  I don’t know what to do about it.  I tried to explain to Josh last Friday how I’m ambivalent to the female figure, interested by the male, but revolted by the physicality (i.e. smells, discharges etc) of both.

I wish I never had to leave my house.