I placed potatoes on Pop’s grave.

2 March 2000 Dear S, Thanks for the postcard from Waikiki and also the video of The Lost Gardens of Heligan that you sent me for Christmas, I really enjoyed it, it’s so marvellous that it could be bought back to life and lovely to follow it through, what a big job to tackle, lots of hard work but so rewarding. Well it’s really March now, … Continue reading I placed potatoes on Pop’s grave.

I could write instruction manuals on how to be excessively trite, insensitive, hackneyed and flippant.

Tuesday, 6 June, 1995 5:52pm Hey Sis, WHERE IS THIS BABY?  I’m waiting here.  Come on woman, spit it out!  It’s technically 4 days old!  Stop hogging the limelight and let the little tacker out so it can shove you back in the shadows.  God, I’m getting impatient, this pregnancy thing is old Sis.  Bring on the Bub!  Bring on the Bub! Anyway, let’s talk about … Continue reading I could write instruction manuals on how to be excessively trite, insensitive, hackneyed and flippant.

My workmates have about as much sensitivity as a Russian condom.

Monday, 22 May 1995  1:38pm Dear Sis, Howdy.  I thought of you on the tram this morning.  A pregnant lady was sitting opposite me, rubbing her belly with this secretive smile.  It was a bit creepy to tell you the truth.  Then the tram conductor sat diagonally opposite me and started talking to himself as he leafed through the form guide.  He didn’t ask for … Continue reading My workmates have about as much sensitivity as a Russian condom.

Guess What?! Someone unseen, someone possibly very sexy, on this day, might have found my bum fondle-worthy!

Tuesday, 2 May, 1995 S, How’s the incubation coming along?  Have you been taking measurements of your mighty girth?  You really ought to you know, it’s the sort of thing you can use against the bairn when it acts up – “You know my stomach was bloated to one hundred inches because of you!!  You’ve ruined my life! Get back in the cupboard you LIFE … Continue reading Guess What?! Someone unseen, someone possibly very sexy, on this day, might have found my bum fondle-worthy!

Little Brother, I need a live in nanny who is too ugly for my husband to f*$k about with.

31 March, 1995 Dear J, Well don’t fall off your perch but I have finally put pen to paper to detail my very uninteresting life for you.  Truth is, that man who genetically contributed to our beings had a go at me on the phone the other day to say that you had told him how disappointed you are to be continually writing to me … Continue reading Little Brother, I need a live in nanny who is too ugly for my husband to f*$k about with.

Like Mum says, don’t trust small-breasted women and do-gooders.

Thursday, 9 March 1995, 12:16PM Hi S, How’s the incubation coming along? I was watching television the other day, and one of those ads came on for World Vision Sponsorship, you know, you get to buy a Ugandan child’s reverence for a few bucks a week, it’s all a bit creepy if you ask me. I was wondering if the World Vision people target childless people … Continue reading Like Mum says, don’t trust small-breasted women and do-gooders.