Tag: depression

1995, Letters from J, Letters to S

I’m an adult, and adults get their own way, that was one of the first lessons of our childhood.

Thursday, 2 March 1995, 9:50AM S, Hi. It’s late in the week to be starting a new letter, but it’s been an uneventful week. Not much to speak of really. I’ve been trapped into going to one of Brett’s gigs tomorrow night, which is not something I look forward to, being surrounded by headbangers, trying not to get too pissed, ‘cos if you get too … Continue reading I’m an adult, and adults get their own way, that was one of the first lessons of our childhood.

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1995, An Aside, J's Diary Entries

I think about my death every day. I wish I had the audacity to burn out spectacularly, but I don’t.

J’s Diary Entry Tuesday, 28 Feb 1995 Thinking about longevity. Would I live my life more vigorously if I knew when it was going to end?  For some reason, I am at this moment struck by how conservatively I live. I live in fear of failure. I think of my death every day but my life moves so torpidly. I wish I had the audacity … Continue reading I think about my death every day. I wish I had the audacity to burn out spectacularly, but I don’t.

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1995, S Diary Entries

Life and Death in a Garden.

S Diary Entry – This is my diary entry I found amongst my correspondence dated 4 Feb 1995. Today I “woke up”, the sun shone and I rediscovered my garden. I thought it was utterly dead but it was just sleeping. I wandered about in it, there is much to do. Most of my seedlings have survived in the greenhouse.  My mood lifted, the dark clouds … Continue reading Life and Death in a Garden.

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1994, J's Diary Entries, Our Troublesome Father

I hired a few videos, bought a bottle of vodka, thus shall I while away the Christmas hours.

Fri 23 Dec 1994 – Work Break-Up Day, I didn’t handle myself terribly well. In my headlong determined rush to have a good time, I drank too much, hoping to set an example for my fellow reticent revelers. Fuck they’re a boring bunch. So young and earnest and mature – controlled. DULL!! At least Caleb liked his present.  I got a “CANDOM” from Quinn. It’s … Continue reading I hired a few videos, bought a bottle of vodka, thus shall I while away the Christmas hours.

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An Aside

An aside from S – I am a sudden death that has taken a decade.

I’m so fucking tired. I lived my brothers suicide from my point of view. And now I’m living it from his. I am living in memories. Missed opportunities. My loss is magnified, if that is even possible. I am now a sudden death that has taken a decade. So many things, every day. Everyday I want to share, discuss with you all that has come … Continue reading An aside from S – I am a sudden death that has taken a decade.

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1994, Letters from S, Uncategorized

All life’s major events take place over the phone for me.

November 1994 Jack, It is really just hitting me what I have given up over the last few years and probably more upsetting, is what I am about to give up in the next 12 months.  I just feel that you don’t understand, or appreciate what I’ve lost, or listen to me when I try to talk about it, so I’m putting it in writing … Continue reading All life’s major events take place over the phone for me.

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1994, J's Diary Entries

She has green eyes and nice teeth. Think I’ve made a mistake.

J’s Diary Entries Wed 9 Nov ’94 – Tonight I met Cav’s Dad, he writes proudly for a weekly paper at the age of 69.  What an amazing man. Truly larger than life. Really funny, full of hidden talents – plays Chopin on the piano and drinks like a fish. Blue eyes, baldish, tall, large-framed. Proud of his German history. Cav’s Mum, also a well … Continue reading She has green eyes and nice teeth. Think I’ve made a mistake.

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1994, J's Diary Entries, Our Troublesome Father

I’ve had some frightening ideas about myself the past few days, about how much my father has influenced me.

Diary Entries Sept 1994 Fri 9 Sept – Shared my office (I can call it my office when Simon is away) with the new guy Jeremy, I don’t like him much.  He thinks money is the be-all and end-all and thinks that every woman he speaks to on the phone is “sexy” and “wants it”. I can’t believe anyone really thinks like that.    He says … Continue reading I’ve had some frightening ideas about myself the past few days, about how much my father has influenced me.

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1994, J's Diary Entries

Had a miserable, angry day choking on my own bile – heaven forbid I should choke on someone else’s.

Wed 6 Jul 1994 – Had lunch today at “Klicks” across the road from work with Simon, Bridgette, Joe, Pete and Cav.  Talked mostly to Cav, an interesting guy.  Late 20’s, tall and slightly stooped with a big deep Camel and Whiskey kind of voice. Extremely intelligent, it makes me a bit nervous, people with an intellectual edge on me always do.  He’s nice to … Continue reading Had a miserable, angry day choking on my own bile – heaven forbid I should choke on someone else’s.

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