An aside from S – I am a sudden death that has taken a decade.

I’m so fucking tired.

I lived my brothers suicide from my point of view.

And now I’m living it from his.

I am living in memories. Missed opportunities. My loss is magnified, if that is even possible.

I am now a sudden death that has taken a decade.

So many things, every day. Everyday I want to share, discuss with you all that has come since you left, some small and inane, “Perfume” our favorite book got made into a movie. Some bigger, of significance maybe; karma might just have found our father. What happened to us was not OK.  And, hey J, I’m not OK, I’m not doing so well, can you help me?  Can you help me?

I need your help.

All I have to do, all I can do, is finish this for you.

I love you little brother, see you on the other side, one day.

One day, one letter, one message was all it would have taken.

I am so very, very sorry little brother, I only ever had one job. “S take care of your brother”.

And I didn’t.  I didn’t take care of you. I did’t take care of you.

I didn’t take care of you.

I didn’t.

3 thoughts on “An aside from S – I am a sudden death that has taken a decade.

  1. Your brothers words that you share here are powerful, your heart and love for him comes through each sharing. His life mattered and yours matters. He was an amazing man, and a he artful human being…Thank you for sharing your adoring heart

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This is so very sad. I can see your pain in those words and it is awful. I didn’t want to click like, it didn’t seem right. Because there is nothing to like about what happened to him, and to you. And you just have to go on living it. You’re not alone. And it isn’t your fault. I’ve attempted to end my life, despite having wonderful people around to take care of me. Because they can’t fix it for me. They can’t take away my suffering, I wish they could. I did it because I wanted out. And when I am in that place, nothing can get in the way. I don’t ask for help because I don’t want it. I know that probably won’t change how you feel, and of course it doesn’t make his suicide any easier for you to bear. But I admire you so much for carrying on. And for sharing his words here, they are so warm and often powerful. Stay strong. Laura

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I also lost a half brother and even though we weren’t close at all, I can understand the feelings of loss, anger, sadness, and feeling like you could have done something. Please know there’s nothing you could have done, love. All we can do now is live twice the life we would have before in his memory. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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