I’ve had some frightening ideas about myself the past few days, about how much my father has influenced me.

Diary Entries Sept 1994

Fri 9 Sept – Shared my office (I can call it my office when Simon is away) with the new guy Jeremy, I don’t like him much.  He thinks money is the be-all and end-all and thinks that every woman he speaks to on the phone is “sexy” and “wants it”. I can’t believe anyone really thinks like that.    He says “bewdiful” in a really annoying woggy way.  He’s 21 but looks 30, smokes dope and has done a Science & Securities course at RMIT. He thinks we’re producing “good books” here, oh god! He’s annoying.

Sat 10 Sept – Went to Leah’s party.  Arrived 10.30pm and immediately had to nurse Leah for three hours. She was wigging out on something and it was really bad, I thought I may have to call an ambulance at one stage.  Her eyes were all pupil and she couldn’t control them.  She clung to me and slithered all reptilian like, her speech broken.  I barely knew anyone at the party and didn’t have a good time, kinda wish I hadn’t gone.  Tim and Marcia had a good time. Jay was smashing bottles in the garden and wouldn’t stop crying, something to do with his boyfriend.  Fell asleep about 4am.

Sun 11 Sept – Woke at 11am left at 5pm walked to the City through East Melbourne, patted a nice cat on the way, had ice-cream in Collins Place.  Leah and I went and saw “Speed” (Keanu Reeves).  It was OK, actions films always make me laugh these days, they’re so silly.  Walked back through the park and fed the possums and fell in love with them.  Truly they take the food right from your hand.  One even ate his food with his back turned to me – so trusting!  They’ve got cute little hands and gorgeous dark eyes.  I want one.

Mon 12 Sept – I’m in a confessional mood and Josh has just denied me telephonic relief.  He was waiting on a “really important phone call”, but we’re meeting for lunch tomorrow.  I think I was going to tell him that I’m planning on withdrawing from life/society/my friends entirely, though with greater examination telling Josh is probably not a good idea.  He’ll worry and he’s got enough on his plate at the moment.  The phone call was bit weird, he said I sounded “upset about things in general” How does he bloody well know?  I denied it of course.

I’ve had some frightening ideas about myself the past few days, about how much my father has influenced me.  Perhaps my deep mistrust of people springs from his duplicitous love-life.  If I can’t trust him, from whose loins (shudder, shudder) I spring, then who can I trust?  I think that perhaps my secrecy is also rooted in this.  I think I got his secrecy through osmosis, for if I was directly aware of it, it wouldn’t be secret.  So why are these things making me so unhappy?  Because they’re making me like my father and I can’t fucking stand him.  Christ, I think that might be it.  But why do I hate him so much?  Not just what he did, but who he is (which is defined by what he does I suppose.)  Maybe I hate him because Mum does and I’ve always been Mum’s son, but I don’t think that’s it.  Maybe it’s a matter of asking the right questions of myself.

Tue 13 Sept – Another day stuck in my office with Jeremy Jabberjaw – he talks all the time, he’s really getting on my nerves.  I told Cav that Jeremy is a dork and Cav said “you’re a hard man J”.  Josh met me for lunch at 12:30 we chatted ‘til 2pm.  It was good to see him. I had a flat black, Josh has one sugar.  When Cav has a coffee he shakes it straight from the jar into his mug.  He has a natural style that I envy.  I envy his brain also.  He has this way of flicking a pen into the air and catching it in the same hand without looking.  It sounds simple but it impresses me.  Leah told me while X-ing on Saturday that I shouldn’t drink, that it makes me loutish.  I ran this by Cav, he disagreed.  I don’t know what to think now.  I was going to give up drinking, I probably should anyway.

I’ve been in a bad mood for the last few hours, thinking about death. Bridgette stayed until 6:30pm at work tonight but she shunned me.  Perhaps that’s why I’ve felt so bruised tonight.  I wonder if I bruise someone else the ways she does me?  Naaah.  I think Josh left our lunch unworried about my state of mind, I tried not to act nutty and didn’t tell him anything that would really bother him.  He promised we’ll go drinking his next dole cheque.  I hope no one else comes.  Can’t stop thinking about death.

Wed 14 Sept – Another day locked in with Jeremy.  Got a bit more friendly with Mick in despatch, we’re going comic hunting tomorrow.  He’s a nice guy, he reserved a comic for me at Alternate Worlds in Prahran because I felt insecure about not knowing the comic lingo.  I want to collect just one type, to extend another interest, to give me something more to talk about.  Spoke to Cav for 2 hours after work, we went to Pellegrini’s I think he must like me a bit he’s starting to open up a little.  He asked if I thought about what I would be like to be bald.  I said “all the time” I went on a bit too much about it I think.   Cav said, that his family were “hard (I think that means they were intolerant perhaps – not indulgent in anyway).  I think he was a little scared of his father he described him as; large, unpredictable, imposing.  I really want to figure this guy out. Why?

I walked down to Elizabeth Street after we parted, I looked in a second hand book store while I waited from my tram.  I’m going to start reading biographies. All the store had were Hollywood has-beens spilling their guts in money-grubbing autobiographies.  Hitler and Gandhi were the only ones I saw tonight that really appealed to me.

Thur 15 Sept – Had a peek in Jeremy’s head today and it’s a total mess!  He said in almost the same breath that all women are whores and that they’re the best thing on this earth.  He also said that thinking about woman makes him angry.  I can’t wait ‘til Simon gets back from holidays and Jeremy can get the fuck out of my office.  Declined Cav’s offer to go over the road for drinks – stayed back and worked until 8:30pm.  I think Caitlin and Noah are worried I’m working too hard.  They don’t know that I bludge all day and stay back late because I’ve nothing better to do.  Went with Mick to get comics, it’s a series called Wetworks I buy two of each, one to keep and one to read, guess it’s a hobby, reasonably inexpensive, fun and harmless.  Leah rang and started crying – a fight with Tim.  We’re going out on the weekend clubbing with some leftover speed.  Maybe we’ll both find someone.  Not likely, I do need to get out more though.

Mon 19 Sept – Dad rang, he’s sold the business.  Here’s hoping he doesn’t spend all his money on the Whore, she deserves nothing but a nasty rash.

 

 

Pellegrini’s Café Bar

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