She has green eyes and nice teeth. Think I’ve made a mistake.

J’s Diary Entries

Wed 9 Nov ’94 – Tonight I met Cav’s Dad, he writes proudly for a weekly paper at the age of 69.  What an amazing man. Truly larger than life. Really funny, full of hidden talents – plays Chopin on the piano and drinks like a fish. Blue eyes, baldish, tall, large-framed. Proud of his German history. Cav’s Mum, also a well respected writer ran away with another Journalist. He talked about the split and Cav’s Mum, I think Cav was embarrassed.  Cav must like me to introduce me to his Dad. He’s a wild, wild man. We drank in the “News Bar” opposite The Herald-Sun Building. It’s inspired me to be a journo. Perhaps I can do it.  I don’t have a brain like Cav or his Dad but there should be a place for me somewhere. I’m thinking about going back to Uni, maybe doing journalism at RMIT.  I’d like to do a social commentary column in a magazine. Opinion mixed with research.  I need to get out of this hole I’m in, I need to stop drinking, stop hating myself and rejoin the world.  Perhaps I’ll start this weekend, go out, meet some new people.

Thur 10 Nov – Went head-to-head with Caitlin today over my 130 hours of overtime (that’s three weeks). She said she didn’t think I’d get 3 weeks and I told her “I’d better, I’ve done the work”. I went a little over the top and apologised for having a go at her, it’s not her fault. Caitlin, Noah and I are going to have a meeting and discuss it further.  I’m a bit nervous but it needs to be resolved.  The people from “Inside Football” still haven’t called Simon about his job interview. I don’t think he got it, which makes me sad for him, but happy I wont be denied his company.

Leah rang, she said Ricky told Chloe (a girl I expressed a mild interest in) that I’m into her and now she’s going to Midian Nightclub on Friday and I’m expected! I freaked out on the phone at Leah. I’ve haven’t made up my mind whether or not to go to the Nightclub and meet Chloe but I probably will. I hope she’s got a job. Leah says she has a car and bongs, which are two positives. I am deeply disturbed about all this.  I don’t want to hurt anyone, including myself, emotionally and I spend my whole life desperately avoiding pain.

Fri 11 Nov – Well, I got 2 weeks off work and we’ll discuss salary when I return. I dropped in to Leah’s about 10pm, met her new man Aidan. He’s pretty nice. Very big, tall. Long black hair, straight and rather heavy brow with blue eyes. Understated dress. Only 18, made me feel old and foppish, but then; I am a fop.  I had decided during the day I was not going to the club to meet Chloe – too embarrassing. Drank too much at Leah’s and was bullied into going. Nervous as hell. I bugged Leah and Aidan until Chloe arrived.  Chloe and I sat at the bar, drank and talked all night with brief sojourns to the toilet and dance floor until about 3am.  Walked downstairs and into the coold night. She moved her hands like she wanted a kiss so I dug my hands deeper into my pockets and looked at the ground. Chloe said “We should get together” and I said I’d get her number from Jackey. Then I walked home, took about an hour and got a huge blood blister on my heel from wearing my old 12-hole Doc Martens.  She has green eyes and nice teeth. Think I’ve made a mistake. Not ready.

Mon 14 Nov – Thought some more about Chloe. Never want to love anyone again, wanna hide under a rock, maybe become a subterranean cave-dweller for years so that when I venture back into the sun, I’m blinded and have to head straight back underground. Told Leah I don’t want to start anything with Chloe. She thinks I’m “crushing my eggs before I even have a chance to count my chickens”.

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