November 1994

Jack,

It is really just hitting me what I have given up over the last few years and probably more upsetting, is what I am about to give up in the next 12 months.  I just feel that you don’t understand, or appreciate what I’ve lost, or listen to me when I try to talk about it, so I’m putting it in writing to you.

I didn’t get to say goodbye to my Granny or be at her funeral to give my love and support to my Nana.

I missed out on spending my Grandparents Golden Wedding Anniversary with them.

I didn’t get to kiss my brother on his 21st birthday.

I don’t know where my mother or my brother live – I’ve never been to their houses.

I missed the opportunity to tell my mum the most important things a daughter has the chance to, “I’m getting married”. I had to organise our wedding without my mum, and not have the people who matter most to me share our wedding day with me.  I know that we went home for a party but it didn’t make up for it.

I didn’t get to tell my mum and J that “I’m having a baby” in person (all life’s major events take place over the phone for me).  How am I meant to get through the next 7 months without my Mum or anyone close, and don’t tell me that I’ve got your mum because both her daughters are also pregnant and will be needing her as much as I need and want my own mum.

All those opportunities to share something that don’t happen very often in life are lost forever.  Yes Mum will be here just before the birth but that wont make up for all the time lost, and then she will be off home and I know that it will hurt more than any other time she has left.  My grandparents wont get to see their newborn grandchild and my brother, his niece or nephew, and all the people that mean so much to me wont either, I’m meant to feel special at the moment but I feel cheated and really lonely.

I understand you want me to give up work.  But I am just too scared to, scared that we wont survive on your wage alone, particularly with you telling me every single week for the last three and a half years that your Dads business is going to end any minute. You are not the only one that feels the pressure of your Dad’s situation.  I hate the fact that you hate your job, I’ve tried to sort ways out for you, I’ve offered to stay at work so you can break out and do your own thing.  But you wont even consider it or discuss it.  I understand you’re scared, Jack we’re all scared, but being scared doesn’t achieve things, taking risks does.

It is very rare that you have to put yourself out for me.  I asked you to call into Helen’s with me, you made a fuss.  You didn’t like Roger so I finished my friendship with Nicola.  You don’t like Justin, and I know I don’t either but my god you made such a fuss when we were invited there, that I will just never ask again and I have to work with his wife, thanks. You kick up such a fuss whenever we are invited anywhere by the people I work with or the friends I’ve made.  Jack I’ve had enough.  It’s as if you wont be happy unless I give up my job, sit quietly in this tiny box raising our child asking nothing of you and severing all ties with any friends I’ve made.

Before getting engaged you said we would talk about/consider moving to Australia but now that we are married and I’m pregnant you refuse to discuss it – hell you just don’t listen when I open my mouth. We need to talk, we need to listen to each other Jack.

I really have had enough.

S

This is a current photo of the house Jack and I were living in in 1994. There was no porch when we owned it.