The rooster I had picked on the young ones, so I killed him.

30 August, 1999 So very pleased to get your letter and all the lovely snaps.  It’s a beaut one of your Dad, J and Brady, and the ones with Pop in are some of the last to be taken of him. It was also nice to see the full one of our house that Pop built. I wish he could have seen this photo. Do … Continue reading The rooster I had picked on the young ones, so I killed him.

PlayStation, beer and pizza. Satisfying men’s business.

Thursday,  20 May 1999 Dear S, Igor and Dee came over for dinner last night. I made a casserole. I drank their beer. We watched music videos, bitched about work and co-workers. Igor’s been at Phoenix Magazines for a month now. His first edition is out soon.  He seems to be quite enjoying it.   Tuesday, 25 May 1999 How  was my  weekend?  Same tune, … Continue reading PlayStation, beer and pizza. Satisfying men’s business.

Common People, Sateen Sheets and Tattoos.

Wednesday, 3 July 1996  12:20pm Started proofing my book today, but the power went off and there was nothing else we could do without a terminal, so Simon spread the proof around.  I was listening to my CD player (some circuits were still running) and I had on that compilation CD you gave me for Christmas.  I was listening to Common People by Pulp and … Continue reading Common People, Sateen Sheets and Tattoos.

If everything is pointless, why not do anything, absolutely anything?

Wednesday, 26 July 1995 9:11am Howdy S, Another day.  Woke up late, no time to make my lunch.  Crept into my clothes, sleep unfurling smokily from my back as the tram sped me down Flemington Road.  And now here I am again, at this desk, blank as a soldier.  What difference does any of it make anyhow?  We’re all of us just big old sacks … Continue reading If everything is pointless, why not do anything, absolutely anything?

I decided I shouldn’t kill myself until my sister has her baby.

J’s Diary Entry Wednesday, 17 May 1995 Actually thought about someone else today.  I decided I shouldn’t kill myself until my sister has her baby.  I actually didn’t want to stress her at this point.  I wonder if anyone suspects how much it is on my mind?  I truly hope not, I don’t want their suffocating concern.  That’s why I like Simon, he’s such a … Continue reading I decided I shouldn’t kill myself until my sister has her baby.

Psychology is not the be-all and end-all.

J’s Diary Entry Tuesday, 9 May 1995 “For those who live neither with religious consolations about death nor with a sense of death (or of anything else) as natural, death is the obscene mystery, the ultimate affront, the thing that cannot be controlled.  It can only be denied.  A large part of the popularity and persuasiveness of psychology comes from its being a sublimated spiritualism: … Continue reading Psychology is not the be-all and end-all.

I think about my death every day. I wish I had the audacity to burn out spectacularly, but I don’t.

J’s Diary Entry Tuesday, 28 Feb 1995 Thinking about longevity. Would I live my life more vigorously if I knew when it was going to end?  For some reason, I am at this moment struck by how conservatively I live. I live in fear of failure. I think of my death every day but my life moves so torpidly. I wish I had the audacity … Continue reading I think about my death every day. I wish I had the audacity to burn out spectacularly, but I don’t.

Life and Death in a Garden.

S Diary Entry – This is my diary entry I found amongst my correspondence dated 4 Feb 1995. Today I “woke up”, the sun shone and I rediscovered my garden. I thought it was utterly dead but it was just sleeping. I wandered about in it, there is much to do. Most of my seedlings have survived in the greenhouse.  My mood lifted, the dark clouds … Continue reading Life and Death in a Garden.

An aside from S – I am a sudden death that has taken a decade.

I’m so fucking tired. I lived my brothers suicide from my point of view. And now I’m living it from his. I am living in memories. Missed opportunities. My loss is magnified, if that is even possible. I am now a sudden death that has taken a decade. So many things, every day. Everyday I want to share, discuss with you all that has come … Continue reading An aside from S – I am a sudden death that has taken a decade.

I’ve had some frightening ideas about myself the past few days, about how much my father has influenced me.

Diary Entries Sept 1994 Fri 9 Sept – Shared my office (I can call it my office when Simon is away) with the new guy Jeremy, I don’t like him much.  He thinks money is the be-all and end-all and thinks that every woman he speaks to on the phone is “sexy” and “wants it”. I can’t believe anyone really thinks like that.    He says … Continue reading I’ve had some frightening ideas about myself the past few days, about how much my father has influenced me.