Tag: humour

2003, Instant Messaging, The Last Chapter

Please pass the turkey to the vegetarian homosexual and his mink wearing sister.

8 Oct 2003 – INSTANT MESSENGER “MINK” CONVERSATION BETWEEN  J & S.   S: Hello baby, I’m back, finally got my email/instant messenger sorted out. J: Ah good, some QUALITY spam of mine was bounced back to me. Devastating! S: A question – Is it bad to want a mink? J: An answer – YES. S: Why? J: You sad old tart – what the fuck do you wanna … Continue reading Please pass the turkey to the vegetarian homosexual and his mink wearing sister.

Dead Mans Diaries2 Comments
2003, J's Diary Entries

It sucks being a desk jockey with no real skills.

J’s Diary Entry 14 January 2003   Aw JEZUZ, back at work, wot hell! Went over to McKenzie’s for dinner on Monday night and made an ass of myself in front of Crazy Kel’s extremely attractive gay brother. I didn’t even realise he was gay, so I was my usual simpering, idiot self, telling unflattering stories and I wasn’t even drinking. Being back at work … Continue reading It sucks being a desk jockey with no real skills.

Dead Mans DiariesLeave a comment
2003, J's Diary Entries

Wish I knew Shakespeare, this seems to be the right moment for a quote. 

J’s Diary Entry 11 January 2003 I rode to Leah’s in 15 minutes! I am a FUCKING athlete is wot I am, mate. I must get around and see Leah more often, she’s such good value. It’ll be damn weird if/when she has a kid/kids. I think even Jade is canvassing motherhood as an option! Where will I live? I don’t think I could share … Continue reading Wish I knew Shakespeare, this seems to be the right moment for a quote. 

Dead Mans DiariesLeave a comment
2002, Emails

Cancer seems to agree with Mum. She looks great.

From: ‘S’ Date: Tuesday, 12 March 2002 08:23PM To: ‘J’ Subject: Forget Jenny Craig try Chemo Ok, just about finished the “Hobbit” and have “Journey to the End of the Night” by Louis-Ferdinand Celine sitting there waiting for me, are you impressed or what? God I love Amazon. Dick called last night, God he’s dull and morose – in a please feel sorry for me … Continue reading Cancer seems to agree with Mum. She looks great.

Dead Mans Diaries1 Comment
2002, Emails

I like my pretend job, turning up half-drunk and gossiping all day.

From: ‘J’ Date: 08 March 2002 02:55AM To: ‘S’ Subject: Beer and Champagne. Goddammit. Hey Sis. Long time no type. Now type only pidgin. What are you up to?    How’s work? The kiddies? Barry? Current events? Myself, I haven’t been up to much. God, what a hangover I have. It’s terrible. Beer and champagne, they just don’t mix. Oh God I feel like shit. I just … Continue reading I like my pretend job, turning up half-drunk and gossiping all day.

Dead Mans Diaries2 Comments
2002, Emails

I stayed up so late that I was awake through the sobering up process.

From: ‘J’ Date: 21 January 2002 02:41AM To: ‘S’ Subject: I’m not very fucking relaxed at all!  Hey Sis. Finally went to the dentist, expecting to require a good six or seven fillings (I swear, there’s more mercury in my mouth than Ok Tedi) but Oh Happy Day! I only needed one filling. But you know how wussy I am about the dentist, yeah? So I … Continue reading I stayed up so late that I was awake through the sobering up process.

Dead Mans Diaries1 Comment
2001, Emails, Letters from J

Christmas will not stop until it has taken over the whole calendar.

  From: ‘J’ Date: 17 October 2001 05:01PM To: ‘S’ Subject: Have a schizophrenic Christmas. Hey Sis, did I tell you I’m on the committee for planning this year’s work Christmas function?  Here are some of my ideas. I don’t think they’re going down very well.  People here are strange. At each table, instead of having people’s names on their seat, have characters from your Standard Aussie … Continue reading Christmas will not stop until it has taken over the whole calendar.

Dead Mans DiariesLeave a comment
2001, Emails, Letters from J, Letters to S

We moved to Barbados and hang out with Sade, Mick Hucknall and date faded tennis stars.

From: ‘J’ Date: 17 July 2001 2:11AM (AUSTRALIAN Time) To: ‘S’ Subject: The Tightest Pants in Bendigo hygienically sealed, of course. The Chronicles of J continue.. Oooh la la! I had a GREAT weekend (don’t get too excited – still dry sheets in the Richmond House of No-Sex). Went to that wedding that I was bitching and moaning about and had a really good time. I … Continue reading We moved to Barbados and hang out with Sade, Mick Hucknall and date faded tennis stars.

Dead Mans DiariesLeave a comment
2001, Emails, Letters from J

I’d like to plop my brain into a fish bowl and place it on a window ledge somewhere.

  From: ‘J’ Date: 03 May 2001 12:37AM To: ‘S’ Subject: Transvestites and tranquillisers   Hey Sis. What’s up?  Me, I’m getting out more now that Paige’s moved out. Can’t just sit around and wait to be entertained, goddammit.  So I went to Fitzroy on the weekend, watched a sextagenarian transvestite with an ostrich feather in her hair do the mambo to a 60’s cover band whilst … Continue reading I’d like to plop my brain into a fish bowl and place it on a window ledge somewhere.

Dead Mans Diaries1 Comment
2001, Emails

I’ll tell you how busy I am…

From: ‘S’ Date: Tuesday, February 20, 2001 02:26AM To: ‘J’ Subject: HELP!!! What the hell is Nana’s address, I can’t find it any where. Oh God, help me please! Urgent reply needed, don’t ignore this one or I am dead. Ta S   From: ‘J’ Date: 20 February 2001 11:52PM To: ‘J’ Subject: RSDXXX, Lakes Entrance Vic 3909 and she’s turning 77.  I’m sending a … Continue reading I’ll tell you how busy I am…

Dead Mans DiariesLeave a comment