8 Oct 2003 – INSTANT MESSENGER “MINK” CONVERSATION BETWEEN J & S.
S: Hello baby, I’m back, finally got my email/instant messenger sorted out.
J: Ah good, some QUALITY spam of mine was bounced back to me. Devastating!
S: A question – Is it bad to want a mink?
J: An answer – YES.
J: You sad old tart – what the fuck do you wanna add THIRTY YEARS to your appearance for?
J: Only Elton John can pull off a mink – and he wears them on his head.
J: Ha ha! I crack me up!
S: They are so soft and Coco loved them.
J: Oh yes, Coco Chanel, everyone’s favourite Nazi Collaborator.
S: Yeah that’s the one.
J: Seriously, mink is LAME.
S: But why?
J: Crocodile skin on the other hand…..
S: I only want a little neck stole not a full on coat.
J: It’s just so…so…so JOAN COLLINS.
J: It’s so 80’s.
J: Not to mention VULGAR.
S: Yeah well for some of us the 80’s were our best decade.
S: But it gets cold over here and mink is very warm.
J: You’re justifying it. YOU ARE STILL MOVING BACK TO OZ, AREN’T YOU?
S: Spoil sport – thought you would support me in my little fashion peccadillo.
J: Ooh, now a nice peccadillo skin jacket, that’s the ticket!
S: Hang on, gotta go shout at your nieces.
J: Good, I will take advantage of your shouty-time to quickly dissemble and cover up my reasons for disapproving of mink – it’s daggy. I ain’t got no problem with animal cruelty. In fact I love my chops, but mink is just tacky.
J: On this topic (well sort of) did you see Roy from Siegfried & Roy was mauled by one of their tigers? Ha ha! Sadly no photos of the attack have surfaced. How I would LOVE to see him hanging from that tigers gob!
S: I’m back.
J: Any survivors?
S: Roy from who?
S: But that’s why I love it, it is tacky.
J: You know, from Siegfried & Roy, those Las Vegas magicians.
J: Alright, there’s good tacky (Astroboy) and bad tacky (women over 40 with fingernails over 4cm)
J: Guess which mink is?
J: Not to mention that PETA will probably throw a bucket of blood or two over you in the street.
J: and Pink won’t sing at your birthday party.
S: Bah humbug to you, thought that you would support me being gay and all.
S: So what do you think about pearls then?
J: Aw mate, I’ve seen those rotten old queens in Prahran flapping about in mink coats. They are an embarrassment to gerbil stuffers everywhere.
S: Yes, but I am talking stole not full length coat.
J: Pearls are nice. Shame they are basically seafloor dwelling snot-in-a-shell.
S: GOOD GOD how can you like pearls but NOT mink, I ask you?
J: Now pearls are good tacky – nice string of pearls over a twin-set – just lovely!
S: I got the Readers Encyclopedia at the weekend all 1155 pages of it for £1 at a car boot sale CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? Would you like it? God I must love you.
J: What is it?
J: What is the readers encyclopedia…..
J: Seriously I don’t know what it is.
J: Ooh, that does sound good!
J: Postage would be hell though.
S: Shall I send it for your birthday? Or are you just being polite?
J: Yes, it really does sound like my cup of tea, not just being polite.
J: Aw! And I will ship you over a live container load of decomposing sheep that the Middle East didn’t want. You can make a nice muff out of those!
J: I never get tired of muff jokes.
S: Feel a bit bad now that I told you I got it at a car boot sale for £1.
J: I don’t care how much it cost, I’m a COMMUNIST!
S: Console yourself, the postage will cost me a bundle.
J: Send it sea mail mate.
S: Seriously it is a great book and right up your street – surprised you’ve never heard of it. Where do you want me to post it, to Mum’s, your work or your home?
S: But sea mail will take three months!
J: Three months is alright, will get here about right time for my birthday.
J: Send it to my work, address is XXX XXX XXX Australia
J: I fill in so many fake addresses and names to subscribe to stuff on the net, I forget what my real address and name is sometimes.
S: I sorta guessed the Australia bit.
J: And hey, did you put up a profile of me on LargerFriends.com? It’s a personals page for fatsos. Someone emailed me and said “Hey buddy, like your profile. Hit me back.”
J: And I went there, and there was a fucking profile – no photo, praise Jesus – but it said I was looking for a “chubby ray of sunshine in my dark and lonely life.”
J: Was it you?
J: It bloody was you, wasn’t it?
S: Too busy laughing to type – no not me haaha haaha haaaahah.
J: Dammit! Who was it?
S: Larger what?
J: I deleted the profile.
S: Bugger – really wanted to check it out.
J: It was pretty funny, but I felt a bit sorry for Mac74 or whatever his “handle” was.
S: Still laughing…..
J: I’ve still got his email, I’ll forward it to you.
S: Oooh oooohh! There is a mink stole on eBay and it is only for £5 please, please, please can I bid for it?
S: What if I only wear it in bed or to do the vacuuming?
J: Good God, NO Woman!
S: I thought having a gay brother would be fun!
J: Actually, it’s like something out of American Beauty, you know that scene where she’s vacuuming madly chanting “I will sell this house today, I will sell this house today.”
S: Oooh what if I get you one too and we could play dress ups Baby Jane style?
J: Gah! No dress ups! I remember there was this one girl – Lana remember her? – who had this real thing for dressing guys up in drag and fucking them. I wouldn’t have a bar of it!
J: Though I do love “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane”. Cos you know that Bette Davis just LOVED pushing Crawford down those stairs.
S: Yes, yes and Bette would want us to wear mink
S: Whatever happened to Lana?
J: And smoke those lovely cigars that gave her FACE CANCER!
J: I saw her in the Herald-Sun a few years ago.
J: It was an article called “MY TEN YEARS OF DRUG HELL.”
S: Oh my god is she some suburban housewife writing a book in between school runs and sewing on Brownie Badges?
J: Nah, I don’t think so. Last I saw (I googled her a while ago) she was in a band in some Northcote Community…. I dunno, Battle of the Bands or somethin’.
S: I am so into eBay at the minute – is there anything you’ve always really, really wanted?
J: Only love, sweet love!
S: Cause I need a challenge so I don’t bid on this fucking MINK!
J: And a jolly good seeing to.
J: Alright, a challenge, lemme see…
J: How about finding me some nude photos of the Dukes of Hazzard?
J: That is not a joke.
S: Face cancer, what you talkin’ about Willis?
S: I smoke cigars, I love cigars (Romeo & Julieta’s).
J: Didn’t you know? Bette Davis died of mouth cancer.
S: Heaven to Betsy, no I didn’t.
J: Eww! You know what “cigars” are in pervertland, don’t you?
S: I thought you meant Lana died of mouth cancer.
J: Something tells me Bettsy didn’t go to heaven. I reckon she was right naughty.
S: If Rudy died would it be considered a sign of great love to wear his pelt.
J: Hell yes!
J: Remember that email I sent you about that woman who fried up her dead rabbit?
S: Nasty business.
S: I would never be so disrespectful to Rudy, but to stroke his pelt everyday even after he has left this world is a great testament to my love for him YES?
J: Oui, oui, Madam Cruella!
J: Have I told you that I’m going to…. (wait for it)….
J: Are you still waiting?
J: I’m going to fuckin’ BALI for a holiday!
S: YOU’RE WHAT????????????????
J: Yeah, ha ha!
S: God I can’t even spell I am so horrified.
J: I am a bogan!
J: Ha ha ha
S: You’re going where?
J: It’s CHEAP. We’re staying at the Hilton.
J: So at least I’ll be bombed in style.
S: Oh yeah god, I can’t even read, I can’t even see, oh yes I can, hang on..
S: I see people wearing mink EVERYWHERE! I WANT MINK AND I WANT IT NOW!
J: No! No mink for you!
S: So are you going to Sanur and who is “we”?
J: Maybe Sanur, maybe Seminyak and I’m going with MXXXXXX, KXXX and DXXX.
J: Two weeks.
S: Go look http//cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2859402313&category=38568&rd=1
S: Kuta is just nasty, nasty, nasty – Sanur is lovely and the north of the island is even better – you haven’t told people have you?
J: Nah, aint told ma or pa.
S: Ah my giddy aunt.
J: No we’re not going to Kuta, icky, icky!
J: Am going to tell Dad that I am going for Christmas to get him off my back.
S: You know what would look nice on the beach in Sanur?
J: Should I tell Mum the same lie.
J: Ha. Hey, does it have that cool thing where they leave the face on so it can bite its own tail?
S: Yes, lie to Mum, otherwise she gains power from the knowledge that you have lied to Dad and she knows about it.
J: Yeah, think I will tell ‘em both I’m gone for Christmas. Cause if Dad gets even a WHIFF that I’m in town he won’t stop till there’s blood spilled.
S: Oooooh, I see you are interested, no not this particular one – the face is at the back of the neck, but there is another one in a couple of days that has 2 faces and 4 tails, exciting huh?
J: Four tails! Sounds a bit bloody feral.
J: You’ll look like Mr T or something, actually, more Mad Max I think.
J: You know, there’s probably a nice white tiger pelt for sale in Las Vegas about now…
S: You are dead right there, cause he is doing the whole “Family Christmas” shebang at his place this year and would love one of us there as a trophy – or maybe a Christmas table decoration to be admired by all. Hey could be the time to tell them all your little secret.
S: I would pay money to see that one.
J: Ha ha! Yeah, totally. “Please pass the beans to the homosexual.”
J: Or better yet… “Please pass the turkey”, “What, you eat meat now Digger?” “Oh yes Dad, yes I do.”
J: Ooh, you know what? I should go in DRAG as YOU, then he could have us both there!
S: Too subtle for him, you’d end up with a bbq’d whole side of cow on your lap.
S: YOU COULD WEAR MINK!!
S: Ooooh I am jumping up and down clapping my hands wildly.
J: Well, I tell you what. If you raise, kill, skin and eat your own mink, I’ll happily give you my blessing.
S: “Digger” will do it for me.
J: They are nasty little buggers you know. Some fool “liberated” a whole bunch of ‘em in Scandanavia somewhere just recently and there wasn’t a live animal left in a 200km radius.
S: It is 9:11am Barry is still in bed – they are going to kick his sorry arse. I had better go and get him up – you should be going home, but first you must send me an eBay Challenge – it must be something you really want though, cause I is gonna get it.
J: I was serious about the Dukes of Hazzard. LAWD I had a crush on the blonde one when I was a kid.
S: Ooh ooh, I will get you some mink jockeys – every boy in town will want to stroke your crotch.
J: Well, maybe they’ll get a little surprise when they sees whats I be packin’ down there! www.thunderwear.com/holsters.html
S: Oh my god, only in America.
J: Yeah, I like the bit where it says how well it “distributes the weight of your weapon” I’d be worried about distributing my OTHER weapon all over my shoes. And footpath.
J: Well I’d better go.
S: You haven’t told me what you covert.
J: I’ll have to think about it. I’ll email you tomorrow morning with something.
S: Ok babe, have a nice evening. I love you.
J: See ya. Don’t buy no mink!