Please pass the turkey to the vegetarian homosexual and his mink wearing sister.



S: Hello baby, I’m back, finally got my email/instant messenger sorted out.

J: Ah good, some QUALITY spam of mine was bounced back to me. Devastating!

S: A question – Is it bad to want a mink?

J: An answer – YES.

S: Why?

J: You sad old tart – what the fuck do you wanna add THIRTY YEARS to your appearance for?

J: Only Elton John can pull off a mink – and he wears them on his head.

J: Ha ha! I crack me up!

S: They are so soft and Coco loved them.

J: Oh yes, Coco Chanel, everyone’s favourite Nazi Collaborator.

S: Yeah that’s the one.

J: Seriously, mink is LAME.

S: But why?

J: Crocodile skin on the other hand…..

S: I only want a little neck stole not a full on coat.

J: It’s just so…so…so JOAN COLLINS.

J: It’s so 80’s.

J: Not to mention VULGAR.

S: Yeah well for some of us the 80’s were our best decade.

S: But it gets cold over here and mink is very warm.


S: Spoil sport – thought you would support me in my little fashion peccadillo.

J: Ooh, now a nice peccadillo skin jacket, that’s the ticket!

S: Hang on, gotta go shout at your nieces.

J: Good, I will take advantage of your shouty-time to quickly dissemble and cover up my reasons for disapproving of mink – it’s daggy. I ain’t got no problem with animal cruelty. In fact I love my chops, but mink is just tacky.

J: On this topic (well sort of) did you see Roy from Siegfried & Roy was mauled by one of their tigers? Ha ha!  Sadly no photos of the attack have surfaced. How I would LOVE to see him hanging from that tigers gob!

S: I’m back.

J: Any survivors?

S: Roy from who?

S: But that’s why I love it, it is tacky.

J: You know, from Siegfried & Roy, those Las Vegas magicians.

J: Alright, there’s good tacky (Astroboy) and bad tacky (women over 40 with fingernails over 4cm)

J: Guess which mink is?

J: Not to mention that PETA will probably throw a bucket of blood or two over you in the street.

J: and Pink won’t sing at your birthday party.

S: Bah humbug to you, thought that you would support me being gay and all.

S: So what do you think about pearls then?

J: Aw mate, I’ve seen those rotten old queens in Prahran flapping about in mink coats. They are an embarrassment to gerbil stuffers everywhere.

S: Yes, but I am talking stole not full length coat.

J: Pearls are nice. Shame they are basically seafloor dwelling snot-in-a-shell.

S: GOOD GOD how can you like pearls but NOT mink, I ask you?

J: Now pearls are good tacky – nice string of pearls over a twin-set – just lovely!

S: I got the Readers Encyclopedia at the weekend all 1155 pages of it for £1 at a car boot sale CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?  Would you like it? God I must love you.

J: What is it?


J: What is the readers encyclopedia…..

J: Seriously I don’t know what it is.


J: Ooh, that does sound good!

J: Postage would be hell though.

S: Shall I send it for your birthday? Or are you just being polite?

J: Yes, it really does sound like my cup of tea, not just being polite.

J: Aw! And I will ship you over a live container load of decomposing sheep that the Middle East didn’t want. You can make a nice muff out of those!


J: I never get tired of muff jokes.

S: Feel a bit bad now that I told you I got it at a car boot sale for £1.

J: I don’t care how much it cost, I’m a COMMUNIST!

S: Console yourself, the postage will cost me a bundle.

J: Send it sea mail mate.

S: Seriously it is a great book and right up your street – surprised you’ve never heard of it. Where do you want me to post it, to Mum’s, your work or your home?

S: But sea mail will take three months!

J: Three months is alright, will get here about right time for my birthday.

J: Send it to my work, address is XXX XXX XXX  Australia

J: I fill in so many fake addresses and names to subscribe to stuff on the net, I forget what my real address and name is sometimes.

S: I sorta guessed the Australia bit.

J: And hey, did you put up a profile of me on It’s a personals page for fatsos. Someone emailed me and said “Hey buddy, like your profile. Hit me back.”

J: And I went there, and there was a fucking profile – no photo, praise Jesus – but it said I was looking for a “chubby ray of sunshine in my dark and lonely life.”

J: Was it you?

J: It bloody was you, wasn’t it?

S: Too busy laughing to type – no not me haaha haaha haaaahah.

J: Dammit! Who was it?

S: Larger what?


J: I deleted the profile.

S: Bugger – really wanted to check it out.

J: It was pretty funny, but I felt a bit sorry for Mac74 or whatever his “handle” was.

S: Still laughing…..

J: I’ve still got his email, I’ll forward it to you.

S: Oooh oooohh! There is a mink stole on eBay and it is only for £5 please, please, please can I bid for it?

S: What if I only wear it in bed or to do the vacuuming?

J: Good God, NO Woman!

S: I thought having a gay brother would be fun!

J: Actually, it’s like something out of American Beauty, you know that scene where she’s vacuuming madly chanting “I will sell this house today, I will sell this house today.”

S: Oooh what if I get you one too and we could play dress ups Baby Jane style?

J: Gah! No dress ups! I remember there was this one girl – Lana remember her? – who had this real thing for dressing guys up in drag and fucking them. I wouldn’t have a bar of it!

J: Though I do love “Whatever Happened to Baby Jane”. Cos you know that Bette Davis just LOVED pushing Crawford down those stairs.

S: Yes, yes and Bette would want us to wear mink

S: Whatever happened to Lana?

J: And smoke those lovely cigars that gave her FACE CANCER!

J: I saw her in the Herald-Sun a few years ago.

J: It was an article called “MY TEN YEARS OF DRUG HELL.”

S: Oh my god is she some suburban housewife writing a book in between school runs and sewing on Brownie Badges?

J: Nah, I don’t think so. Last I saw (I googled her a while ago) she was in a band in some Northcote Community….  I dunno, Battle of the Bands or somethin’.

S: I am so into eBay at the minute – is there anything you’ve always really, really wanted?

J: Only love, sweet love!

S: Cause I need a challenge so I don’t bid on this fucking MINK!

J: And a jolly good seeing to.

J: Alright, a challenge, lemme see…

J: How about finding me some nude photos of the Dukes of Hazzard?

J: That is not a joke.

S: Face cancer, what you talkin’ about Willis?

S: I smoke cigars, I love cigars (Romeo & Julieta’s).

J: Didn’t you know? Bette Davis died of mouth cancer.

S: Heaven to Betsy, no I didn’t.

J: Eww! You know what “cigars” are in pervertland, don’t you?

S: I thought you meant Lana died of mouth cancer.

J: Something tells me Bettsy didn’t go to heaven. I reckon she was right naughty.

S: If Rudy died would it be considered a sign of great love to wear his pelt.

J: Hell yes!

J: Remember that email I sent you about that woman who fried up her dead rabbit?

S: Nasty business.

S: I would never be so disrespectful to Rudy, but to stroke his pelt everyday even after he has left this world is a great testament to my love for him YES?

J: Oui, oui, Madam Cruella!

J: Have I told you that I’m going to…. (wait for it)….

J: Are you still waiting?

S: Yes

J: I’m going to fuckin’ BALI for a holiday!

S: YOU’RE WHAT????????????????

J: Yeah, ha ha!

S: God I can’t even spell I am so horrified.

J: I am a bogan!

J: Ha ha ha

S: You’re going where?

J: It’s CHEAP. We’re staying at the Hilton.

J: So at least I’ll be bombed in style.

S: Oh yeah god, I can’t even read, I can’t even see, oh yes I can, hang on..

S: I see people wearing mink EVERYWHERE!  I WANT MINK AND I WANT IT NOW!

J: No! No mink for you!

S: So are you going to Sanur and who is “we”?

J: Maybe Sanur, maybe Seminyak and I’m going with MXXXXXX, KXXX and DXXX.

J: Two weeks.

S: Go look http//

S: Kuta is just nasty, nasty, nasty – Sanur is lovely and the north of the island is even better – you haven’t told people have you?

J: Nah, aint told ma or pa.

S: Ah my giddy aunt.

J: No we’re not going to Kuta, icky, icky!

J: Am going to tell Dad that I am going for Christmas to get him off my back.

S: You know what would look nice on the beach in Sanur?

J: Should I tell Mum the same lie.


J: Ha. Hey, does it have that cool thing where they leave the face on so it can bite its own tail?

S: Yes, lie to Mum, otherwise she gains power from the knowledge that you have lied to Dad and she knows about it.

J: Yeah, think I will tell ‘em both I’m gone for Christmas. Cause if Dad gets even a WHIFF that I’m in town he won’t stop till there’s blood spilled.

S: Oooooh, I see you are interested, no not this particular one – the face is at the back of the neck, but there is another one in a couple of days that has 2 faces and 4 tails, exciting huh?

J: Four tails! Sounds a bit bloody feral.

J: You’ll look like Mr T or something, actually, more Mad Max I think.

J: You know, there’s probably a nice white tiger pelt for sale in Las Vegas about now…

S: You are dead right there, cause he is doing the whole “Family Christmas” shebang at his place this year and would love one of us there as a trophy – or maybe a Christmas table decoration to be admired by all. Hey could be the time to tell them all your little secret.

S: I would pay money to see that one.

J: Ha ha! Yeah, totally. “Please pass the beans to the homosexual.”


J: Or better yet… “Please pass the turkey”, “What, you eat meat now Digger?” “Oh yes Dad, yes I do.”

J: Ooh, you know what? I should go in DRAG as YOU, then he could have us both there!

S: Too subtle for him, you’d end up with a bbq’d whole side of cow on your lap.


S: Ooooh I am jumping up and down clapping my hands wildly.

J: Well, I tell you what. If you raise, kill, skin and eat your own mink, I’ll happily give you my blessing.

S: “Digger” will do it for me.

J: They are nasty little buggers you know. Some fool “liberated” a whole bunch of ‘em in Scandanavia somewhere just recently and there wasn’t a live animal left in a 200km radius.

S: It is 9:11am Barry is still in bed – they are going to kick his sorry arse. I had better go and get him up – you should be going home, but first you must send me an eBay Challenge – it must be something you really want though, cause I is gonna get it.

J: I was serious about the Dukes of Hazzard. LAWD I had a crush on the blonde one when I was a kid.

S: Ooh ooh, I will get you some mink jockeys – every boy in town will want to stroke your crotch.

J: Well, maybe they’ll get a little surprise when they sees whats I be packin’ down there!

S: Oh my god, only in America.

J: Yeah, I like the bit where it says how well it “distributes the weight of your weapon”  I’d be worried about distributing my OTHER weapon all over my shoes. And footpath.

J: Well I’d better go.

S: You haven’t told me what you covert.

J: I’ll have to think about it. I’ll email you tomorrow morning with something.

S: Ok babe, have a nice evening. I love you.

J: See ya. Don’t buy no mink!

2 thoughts on “Please pass the turkey to the vegetarian homosexual and his mink wearing sister.

  1. Pingback: Hell, Hell, Hell.

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