Please pass the turkey to the vegetarian homosexual and his mink wearing sister.

8 Oct 2003 – INSTANT MESSENGER “MINK” CONVERSATION BETWEEN  J & S.   S: Hello baby, I’m back, finally got my email/instant messenger sorted out. J: Ah good, some QUALITY spam of mine was bounced back to me. Devastating! S: A question – Is it bad to want a mink? J: An answer – YES. S: Why? J: You sad old tart – what the fuck do you wanna … Continue reading Please pass the turkey to the vegetarian homosexual and his mink wearing sister.

I hate eating in places where the table cloth is cleaner than my clothes. I like a dive, a greasy spoon.

Friday, 3 Feb 1995 Sis, Well, I didn’t end up going to that party at Christopher’s on Saturday night. What does he expect anyway, inviting me to a party where the only people I know are the host, who’ll be running around all night and someone else I haven’t see in four years. Christopher will be mightily pissed off though. I’m trying really hard to … Continue reading I hate eating in places where the table cloth is cleaner than my clothes. I like a dive, a greasy spoon.

Remember Kids, Floss or Die!

Monday, 21 March 1994 Hey Sis, How you doing?  Personally, I’m fine and knot-free.  Yes, that’s right, I’m now totally dread-less.  I’ve combed them all out, I can now run a comb through every square inch of my lumpy head of hair.  Mum will be pleased.  I’m seeing her tonight, I’m off to the dentist for four more fillings so back to Poo Town and … Continue reading Remember Kids, Floss or Die!

I think I’ll just stay home and pull my eyelashes out one by one, it couldn’t be any less painful.

Tuesday, 18 January 1994 Dear S, Just met Mum for lunch at Collins Place.  I only had my home made lunch of jam and vegemite sandwiches, so she shouted me a falafel.  She told me of your poisoning attempt on Jack’s life.  Fiendishly clever Sis!  Tell me, I’ve never heard of having to fill a kettle with acid to clean it, why are kettles in … Continue reading I think I’ll just stay home and pull my eyelashes out one by one, it couldn’t be any less painful.

Shut your ugly turtle face!

Thursday, 10 June 1993 How you going Sis? How’s married life treating you? (I thought I’d get as many clichés out of the way as soon as possible.)  How’s life in England?  I can’t believe I’ve been back for over a month already, it doesn’t feel like it.  I still feel refreshed I guess, which is good I suppose, though Winter is closing in upon … Continue reading Shut your ugly turtle face!