Remember Kids, Floss or Die!

Monday, 21 March 1994

Hey Sis,

How you doing?  Personally, I’m fine and knot-free.  Yes, that’s right, I’m now totally dread-less.  I’ve combed them all out, I can now run a comb through every square inch of my lumpy head of hair.  Mum will be pleased.  I’m seeing her tonight, I’m off to the dentist for four more fillings so back to Poo Town and a sleep over at Mum’s for me.  It feels so odd being able to comb my hair, it’s been nearly a year you know.  I spent the whole weekend watching TV and absent mindedly running the brush through my raggedy mop just because I could. It’s been a weekend of straightening out all round really, I bought a new pair of jeans at the Vic Market because you can see through my other pairs.  Didn’t really do much else.  I did go to dinner with Brett, Lara and Leah last night.  We went down to St Kilda and ate at the wild Rice Bar.  It’s one of those typically St Kilda places, all vegetarian and vegan food and you’re squeezed in so tight that you’re not entirely sure whose meal is whose.  Delicious food though.

Work is dull as ever, I really must find a way to apply myself once more.  Even the lure of a possible raise does little to fire my enthusiasm.  I definitely need a week or so off, just to “recharge the batteries” as the saying goes.  I’ve been driving quite a bit too, just locally.  Going to get videos or down to Richmond Plaza, that sort of thing.  I’m going to miss living in Richmond, it sort of feels like home now.  I guess it should, I’ve been living there for about a year and a half now.  I suppose that in the end it’s just a place though.

I just spoke to Mum on the phone and she told me of your media coup. Wizard!  What was it like, being interviewed on national television with literally millions of people scrutinizing your every gesture?  Did you have to sit through six hours of make up like John Hurt did for “The Elephant Man”?  Were your sweaty underarm patches noticeable.  What show was it on?  Was it that grey haired guy’s chat show, what’s his name – Kilroy?  Or was it a business show, like “Business Sunday” with lots of “Power Talk”?  How does it feel to be a multi-media star now that you’ve been interviewed by the papers for the IRA bombing and now this, your live television debut?  You know, I can picture you as a news reader with one of those slick hairdos and low pitched voices, full of somber compassion for the victims of the latest disaster, whatever it may be. Why is it, if newsreaders use an auto-cue, then why do they always shuffle those papers around in front of themselves?  I personally think they should do away with regular news readers and have guest readers every night.  You could start off with Rolf Harris reading us through the “House of Death” and the latest IRA atrocities and then through to John Major, he’s a saucy one, covering the Miss World contest.  Perhaps Yuri Geller for the weather and Zsa Zsa Gabor on sport.  I don’t know, sometimes I think that I’m not reaching my full potential here.  I should be in TV programming.  Either that or exotic dancing.

A few hours later (4.15PM)

I’m back from lunch, and what a lunch it was.  I went and spent money on unnecessary things, and it felt great.  I’ve been saving really hard for the last three or four months, being scrupulously thrifty and financially conservative, and now I’ve gone and blown about one hundred dollars, and it feels good.  Yesterday at the Vic Market I got my jeans and today I went to Bourke Street Mall and purchased expensive shampoo and conditioner for my newly liberated locks, and then to Gaslight Records for two, yes two, CD’s.  I got “Jane’s Addiction” (“Nothing’s Shocking” I’ve wanted it for about two years and never got around to it) and “Nirvana” (“In Utero”, it was on special, and I like what I’ve heard on it so far)  Whoopee, that consumerist rush you get from buying things you never know you needed, until the TV Genie told you so.  I needed to get it out of my system, the urge to splurge has been accumulating for some time, and I knew that if I didn’t partially slake this dangerous thirst, I may well have been overcome and purchased something from the Home Shopping Network, an ignominious fate indeed.  How on earth would I explain to visitors the full set of Ginsu knives?  They’d know, oh yes, they’d know.

22 Mar 1994

I am on soft foods until Thursday.  Can you believe it?  It’s so depressing, you don’t realize how much comfort you get from food until it’s denied you.  I must be an anaesthetic hog, Dr Rogers ended up pumping three cartridges into my lower jaw and two into my upper, that’s three more than normal, and the lower one was still painful. “Yesiree, that’s right Doctor, just whack me with another thirty cc’s of that Nirvana Numb Juice, it really hits the spot!  Mmmmm Mmm.”

I’d better be off now, the forces of evil are gathering, and I must don my tights and cape to champion truth, justice and the dentally hygienic way as “Amalgam Man”, fighter for fillings, and defender of dentists’ anaesthetic practices everywhere.

Amalgam Man

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