How to remove a turkey from your house.

 

Emails between J and housemate Jade discussing the removal of Ian The Turkey.

-----Original Message-----
From:    J
Sent:    Friday, 28 February 2003 9:14 AM
To:      Jade 
Subject: Well ...

How’ s the V&V going? Is it done yet? Was it an extravaganza? Dancing girls and donkey rides? Kissing booths and fire breathers? I remember when they launched the new logo at CPD, they had a mock fashion show, with all the marketing team sashaying up and down this little catwalk with the rejected versions of the logo. They had music and lights and voice over and everything. We were all sitting on the floor. Then they brought out the new logo, the approved design, and suddenly everyone started spontaneously dancing. It was like something out of Fame, only a nightmare version, where middle aged men and women in corporate gear jive, horribly. Bald men with moustaches and nylon shirts should not be allowed to dance, there should be LAWS about this, dammit. Kendra and I were frightened, and we scuttled backwards on our arses like alarmed crabs and hid under a table. Then someone started dancing on the table on top of us, saying “whoooo! whoooo !” It was a table of poor- quality too, and it started to bow and creak under this guy’s weight and vigorous gyrations. I thought Kendra and I were going to be crushed. It was actually very frightening, and I’ve never been the same since.

J – Publications Officer ADAVB

 

From:    Jade 
Sent:    Friday, February 28, 2003 9:41AM
To:      J
Subject: RE: Well ...

It was ghastly. Am now waiting to find out whether the axe is going to fall on me and Iris. It wasn’t as exciting as a fashion parade – it was dull, in the funeral partner’s tradition.

 

From:       J
Sent:       Friday, 28 February 2003 9:53 AM
To:         Jade 
Subject:    RE: Well ...

Oh dear. Will the axe fall on BOTH of you? This is a nasty new turn. And why are you waiting, has someone told you something?

Have been canvassing the office for Ian strategies. Everyone says we should call his parents, EXCEPT for Leah, whose opinion I respect the most. She says we should have a go at talking to him. Knock on the door, if he doesn’t answer, tell him we’re coming in. If he tells us to stay out, talk to him through the door, saying “We have to talk, staying in your room isn’t solving anything. We ‘re sorry if we’ve been arseholes, but Ian, you don’t have to stay in your room. You need to be looking for a new place.”

Calling his parents does seem a bit presumptuous considering he’s 34 years old. Mind you, he IS a 15-year-old 34-year-old.

 

From:    Jade
Sent:    Friday, February 28, 2003 10:11AM
To:      J
Subject: RE: Well ...

Yes. I am going out for lunch, and will bandy it round the table, looking for input. I think Leah’s strategy is reasonable – and probably sensible. Problem is – I am going to Shepparton straight after work – which means we won’t have opportunity to do anything till Sunday night, and am actually quite worried about him. I think he is really losing it.

 

From:     J
Sent:     Friday, 28 February 2003 10:39AM
To:       Jade 
Subject:  RE: Well ...

Should one of us call and leave a message on the machine? I’ve arranged to go to Mum’ s for the weekend, but now I feel a bit bad about it. Maybe we should just call his parents, I mean, his aggressiveness in the past makes me wary of approaching him on my own.

 

From:    Jade
Sent:    Friday, February 28, 2003 10:45 AM
To:      J 
Subject: RE: Well ...

Yeah, me too – I would not go near him on my own, unless I had a gun (no kidding). If we call, he will answer the phone, so I guess that is the way to do it. Now – who calls?!

 

From:    J
Sent:    Friday, 28 February 2003 10:52 AM
To:      Jade 
Subject: RE: Well ...

Erm, I just flipped a coin, and guess what? You lost. Get dialling.

 

From:    Jade 
Sent:    Friday, February 28, 2003 10:57AM 
From:    J
Subject: RE: Well ...

Are you having me on? Are you sure this is the correct thing to do? You know what, in my stupor this morning, I was packing my bag for the weekend and I forgot to pack ANY clothes.

 

From:    J
Sent:    Friday, 28 February 2003 10:58AM
To:      Jade 
Subject: RE: Well ...

Well well, looks like you’ll have to come home, eh? Come home and TALK TO IAN! That’s right, it’s your destiny, don’t fight it.

Anyway, do you reckon he’d answer the phone? There were messages on the machine last night. God, maybe he HAS been at his parents for the last few days and only came home yesterday? What to do, what to do? If we call and he doesn’t answer, should we call his parents? How about if we write a letter and leave it out for him before we push off for the weekend. With both of us gone he’ ll surely come out. He was out last night (the spoon! the spoon!).

What do you think? Letter?

 

From:    Jade
Sent:    Friday, February 28, 2003 11:15AM
To:      J 
Subject: RE: Well ...

Yep, letter. Can’t come home cos then I will miss the train! Okay: let’s start drafting:

Dear Turkey …

 

From:    J
Sent:    Friday, 28 February 2003 11:22AM
To:      Jade 
Subject: RE: Well ...

Yo, Turkey,

Jade and I have gone away for the weekend, but we wanted to talk to you about the situation in the house at the moment. We’re sorry if we’ve offended you, but staying in your room and pretending you’re not there is not a solution. (For a start, you need to be looking for a new place.) We only opened your door last night because we thought that you might have already moved out. You don’t have to hide in your room, Ian. You’ve paid rent up until the 24th and you’re entitled to the run of the house as much as we are. We understand if you don’ t particularly want to spend time with us, but frankly it’s a real concern when a housemate apparently stays in their room for four days running without so much as coming out to use the toilet when you’re home. Both Jade and I have been asked to leave other share houses in the past, and it sucks, but it doesn’t have to be like this.

 

From:    Jade 
Sent:    Friday, February 28, 2003 11:31AM
To:      J 
Subject: RE: Well ...

A few minor changes AND why do you keep saying he’s paid up till the 24th? He hasn’t – he’s paid up to the 6th, same as us?

Ian,

Jade has gone to Shepparton for the weekend, and I’m visiting my mum, but we wanted to sort things out re: current house situation. We realise it’s an awkward situation (as both of US have been asked to leave share houses in our time, too!) but there is no need to hide in your room. We’re sorry if we’ve offended you, but there is no need for you to stay in your room. We only opened your door last night because we haven’ t seen you since J told you we wanted you to find somewhere else and we were a bit concerned. We understand if you don’t particularly want to spend time with us, but there is no need for you to feel you can’t come out and do whatever you want to do in the house.

What do you think?

From:    J
Sent:    Friday, 28 February 2003 12:01PM
To:      Jade 
Subject: RE: Well ...

Well, he gave me another $225, so that would cover him for another 2 and a bit weeks, which is around the the 24th of March. And seeing as I asked him to leave on the 24th of Feb, though I haven’t banked the money, it seems neat enough to say he’ s paid up til the 24th.

I’ve made some more changes. What you think? (I reckon that saying we’ve “gone away for the weekend” is more vague – don’t want him to realise that if one of us leave then the other flees in terror as well. This way is sounds like we might’ve gone off somewhere together, a la Skipton.)

Ian,

We’ve both gone away for the the weekend, but wanted to sort things out re: current house situation. We realise it’s an awkward situation, as both of US have been asked to leave share houses in our time, too. We’re sorry if we’ve offended you, but there is no need for you to stay in your room. And to be fair, if you don’t answer us when we knock on your door, how can we sure whether you’re home or not? To be honest it’s unsettling to be unsure about whether or not you have the place to yourself. We only opened your door last night because we hadn’t seen you since Monday morning and we were a bit concerned. We understand if you don’ t particularly want to spend time with us, but there is no need for you to feel you can’t come out and do whatever you want to do in the house.

Jade &  J.

 

From:    Jade
Sent:    Friday, February 28, 2003 12:13PM
To:      J
Subject: RE: Well ...

Yeah, letter’ s fine – just a bit worried it might tip him over the edge, with fury.  Just a hunch …

How about this version:

Ian,

We’ve both gone away for the the weekend to talk about our plans for marriage (you were right, we should be together – thanks for giving us a little push!), but wanted to sort things out re: current house situation. We realise it’s an awkward situation, as both of US have been asked to leave share houses in our time, too  (in fact this is the only house J has not been booted out of in his long share housing career). We would also like to propose a ” third way” or middle path, enabling you to stay – and that would be if we formally adopt you and treat you as our own son. Obviously, as Jade is a transsexual we realise we’ ll never have a family of our own, and adopting you would be the next best thing. Don’ t dismiss it out of hand – sleep on it.

Jade J.

 

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