How to remove a turkey from your house.

  Emails between J and housemate Jade discussing the removal of Ian The Turkey. —–Original Message—– From: J Sent: Friday, 28 February 2003 9:14 AM To: Jade Subject: Well … How’ s the V&V going? Is it done yet? Was it an extravaganza? Dancing girls and donkey rides? Kissing booths and fire breathers? I remember when they launched the new logo at CPD, they had a … Continue reading How to remove a turkey from your house.

Drinking is neither physically, mentally or economically healthy. But I’ll keep doing it.

J’s Diary Entry Saturday, 3 June 1995 Had only 3 neat vodkas at “Klicks” last night. I feel strong and depressed and lonely as usual.  It’s a curious choice: waste $60 on a good time I can’t actually remember, or save $60 and feel strong and depressed and lonely.  I’m sort of inclined to think that if I can’t remember the good time, then what’s … Continue reading Drinking is neither physically, mentally or economically healthy. But I’ll keep doing it.

I hate eating in places where the table cloth is cleaner than my clothes. I like a dive, a greasy spoon.

Friday, 3 Feb 1995 Sis, Well, I didn’t end up going to that party at Christopher’s on Saturday night. What does he expect anyway, inviting me to a party where the only people I know are the host, who’ll be running around all night and someone else I haven’t see in four years. Christopher will be mightily pissed off though. I’m trying really hard to … Continue reading I hate eating in places where the table cloth is cleaner than my clothes. I like a dive, a greasy spoon.

The idea of sharing house space with non-rent paying cockroaches fills me with a sensation not unlike having your undies full of warm jelly.

Wednesday, 30 March 1994 Dear S, I just got back from buying a new mattress.  Leah’s paying me for my half of the old one and I’m moving into the Flemington house on either Thursday night (if I’m feeling as eager as I do now) or on Good Friday, so I’ll need a new one pronto. I got “our Dad” to come in and drive … Continue reading The idea of sharing house space with non-rent paying cockroaches fills me with a sensation not unlike having your undies full of warm jelly.

The honourable course of action just seems too fraught with difficulty. 

Thursday, 10 March 1994 Dear S, Hi, the Despatch Boy (ok it is weird calling him Despatch Boy now that he has a son) is away again, so Simon is filling in for him which leaves me companionless for the day, which leads me to ponder things best left un-pondered.  Such as the moral nature of these undertakings with Leah. I’m beginning to think that … Continue reading The honourable course of action just seems too fraught with difficulty. 

Farts & Deadlocks on Doors

Tuesday, 11 January 1994 S, How’s it going?  I mailed your first Cleo magazine yesterday, but didn’t have time to put a letter in.  I must say, to my shame, that I had a flick through it.  Well, what I saw was enough for me to be sworn off bananas for life! (see the “Banana Smooshie” recipe in the “How to Drive Your Man Wild … Continue reading Farts & Deadlocks on Doors

Shut your ugly turtle face!

Thursday, 10 June 1993 How you going Sis? How’s married life treating you? (I thought I’d get as many clichés out of the way as soon as possible.)  How’s life in England?  I can’t believe I’ve been back for over a month already, it doesn’t feel like it.  I still feel refreshed I guess, which is good I suppose, though Winter is closing in upon … Continue reading Shut your ugly turtle face!