J’s Diary Entry Thursday 9 Mar 1995 I got my annual slap on the wrist from Caitlin today. She said I’d been “drifting” since November. I agreed, of course. I found it a bit depressing really. I knew it was coming from a few offhand remarks Caitlin made in the last week or so. I told her that I have changed my direction in the … Continue reading The Dewey Decimal System & Suicide
J’s Diary Entry Thursday, 2 March 1995 Christ I’m drunk. I did not think that I would get this drunk on a drink I find so unpleasant, Scotch. I suppose I’ve drunk a little over half a bottle in three hours. Is that macho? I’m too drunk to know, but I hope it is. I am taping “Hearts of Darkness”, but I thought I should … Continue reading I don’t know what I am. I hope that by adopting the idiosyncrasies of certain subcultures that I will find a place that feels like home.
J’s Diary Entry Tuesday, 28 Feb 1995 Thinking about longevity. Would I live my life more vigorously if I knew when it was going to end? For some reason, I am at this moment struck by how conservatively I live. I live in fear of failure. I think of my death every day but my life moves so torpidly. I wish I had the audacity … Continue reading I think about my death every day. I wish I had the audacity to burn out spectacularly, but I don’t.
J Diary Entries Thur 19 Jan 1995 Sat diagonally opposite this guy on the tram who had the DT’s real bad. He had that alcoholic look about him; the seventies shirt, grubby slacks, sneakers. His worldly goods in a plastic supermarket bag. I could pick the DT’s, firstly because his eyes would open briefly under his beetling brows and then he’d frown harder and clench … Continue reading I just want to feel less disfigured by knowing there’s someone else out there wearing the same badges of aberration.
I’m so fucking tired. I lived my brothers suicide from my point of view. And now I’m living it from his. I am living in memories. Missed opportunities. My loss is magnified, if that is even possible. I am now a sudden death that has taken a decade. So many things, every day. Everyday I want to share, discuss with you all that has come … Continue reading An aside from S – I am a sudden death that has taken a decade.
Diary Entries Sept 1994 Fri 9 Sept – Shared my office (I can call it my office when Simon is away) with the new guy Jeremy, I don’t like him much. He thinks money is the be-all and end-all and thinks that every woman he speaks to on the phone is “sexy” and “wants it”. I can’t believe anyone really thinks like that. He says … Continue reading I’ve had some frightening ideas about myself the past few days, about how much my father has influenced me.
Wed 6 Jul 1994 – Had lunch today at “Klicks” across the road from work with Simon, Bridgette, Joe, Pete and Cav. Talked mostly to Cav, an interesting guy. Late 20’s, tall and slightly stooped with a big deep Camel and Whiskey kind of voice. Extremely intelligent, it makes me a bit nervous, people with an intellectual edge on me always do. He’s nice to … Continue reading Had a miserable, angry day choking on my own bile – heaven forbid I should choke on someone else’s.
THIS IS ONE OF MANY LETTERS/WRITINGS MY BROTHER WROTE FOR ME, BUT I NEVER RECEIVED. IT WAS AMONGST HIS DIARIES AND OTHER DOCUMENTS I FOUND AFTER HIS DEATH, HE HAD WRITTEN “NOT SENT” ON IT. IT IS DATED 10 FEB 1994 AND SLOTS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAST LETTER HE SENT BUT HE DECIDED NOT TO INCLUDE IT, MAYBE HE FELT IT WAS TOO … Continue reading Perhaps I’m simply made up entirely of what people want me to be.
I’m really not sure if I’m doing this properly, I understand people maybe don’t comment on the writing as it has already been written by my brother. It’s not possible to ‘tweak’ the story line as such, it is what it is, and unfortunately set in stone. I don’t know if anyone is reading this from beginning in order or if people are just reading … Continue reading An Aside from S
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