J’s Diary Entry

Friday, 28 April 1995

Oh God what a dreadful evening this has turned out to be.  I went drinking with work folk minus Cav (who has flown to Sydney for the weekend). Simon came and I was pleased he did, he was in good, bitchy form – slagging off everyone.  Nadia and her boyfriend came.  I was flirting a little with Nadia, I don’t know if anyone noticed.  I was a bit drunk on beer.  So anyway, I caught a tram home around 9pm and flounced around the house.  Leah and Aidan arrived 9:30pm and started getting ready to go out.  I exaggerated my drunkenness to avoid participating in conversation.  Then I allowed myself to be bullied (partly) into joining them at Midian.  I pulled on my PVC trousers, a black shirt, black vest and black velvet jacket.  I must’ve looked like an ink spot.  I tried to pretty up my hair (to no avail) and we caught a taxi at midnight.  I sat in the front, it sounded like Leah and Aidan were making out in the back seat.

We arrived, paid $6 to get in.  I left my glasses at home (to make myself appear sexier) and consequently could not see whether anyone was impressed with my non-bespectacled sexiness.  I found this dis-heartening.  I followed Leah and Aidan around until I got stuck with Darlene fresh back from her failed Euro-Adventure and irritating as ever.  I felt alien in there. It didn’t feel like “home” anymore.  I left after half an hour or so.  Leah came out and called me a taxi while I tried to explain myself in the freezing night air, one eye on a fight between a bouncer and patron, the other on the road for my longed-for taxi.

I came home, through the front door and peeled off my skin and started to feel alone and lonely, unattractive and impossible to love.  There was a part of me, a biggish part, that wanted women to be mesmerized by my appearance tonight.  It’s sad and it’s childish, but I wanted to be loved tonight, I wanted someone to kiss my neck, even put their arms around my waist.  All I found was unfamiliarity and unfriendliness.  I feel I really have lost the art of meeting people.  I feel shut in, cut off, safe here.  I just want to stay at home.

Self portrait by J