I’m really cranky and make no apologies for it, so fuck ya’s all!!

Tuesday, 3 August 1993

S,

How are you?  I’ve had the most fucked day in the history of fucked days.  You know, it’s just one of those days where you wake up mean.  I woke up before 6am and I feel like it!  I fell back asleep again, but of course only just before the alarm went off, so I acted out some of my more violent fantasies that I usually save for people who sniff on public transport upon the electronic monster (my alarm clock), went back to sleep and then over-slept and ended up catching the late train.

So I get to work late and discover that the 2nd mail-out for the book has already been done, before I got the chance to correct all the wrong addresses, so all the letters that came back marked “Return To Sender” in the first mail-out are going to come back to me AGAIN!  GREAT.  Then I spilled a full glass of water all over all my mail, so half of it is all wet, which is probably my karma catching up with me because when I can’t read the writing of all the Dumbfucks in this book, I ring them and tell them that their questionnaire got wet in the mail and that’s why I can’t read their writing.  It’s the god of the public servants wreaking his revenge.  I’m so fucking fed up with this shit-hole, you just wouldn’t believe the shitty state of this place.  I tell you, I was so pissed off earlier that if one of the boss people had poked their pointed heads in here I really would have quit.  That’s really bad isn’t it?  I’m just sick of the fucking mess and being so damned cramped, there’s just not enough room for all the crap that you need.  But enough whinging I guess, it’s probably not what you want to hear.

Went to Frankston on the weekend to see Tim and Marcia, Leah’s friends.  It didn’t go especially well.  Tim has decided that I’m a tosser, and being the opinionated little soul that he is, once he makes a judgement that someone just isn’t up to scratch, he tells everyone and waits until you do something less than perfect and then proclaims that he knew all along that you were an ass-hole and why didn’t everybody listen to him? And bla bla bla blah.  But the amusing thing is, that since he moved into their share house with his girlfriend (who’s really nice, I don’t understand it) everyone has moved out!  But it’s because they’re all ass-holes and tossers of course.  We’ve been over to their place heaps of times but when we got there on Saturday he completely ignored me for two hours.  I tell you, I don’t have enough spare time to waste it on him, but I want to get along with him for Leah’s sake, but I’m pretty sure he’s made up his mind about me, and I don’t even know what I did wrong!  The problem is that Leah really likes him and really likes spending time in Frankston, but I’ll be hung by my goolies if I’m gonna go back there to be treated like shit again.  I thought that maybe she could go to Frankston and I could go visit Josh for the weekend or something.

I dunno.  I should go out more, I haven’t been out and had a really good time for ages, and I fell like I’m losing touch with half my friends, know what I mean? And when Leah and I do go out, she never speaks.  She’s just not good at making conversation and I need to get out more and meet new people, that’s the way I am, but I feel like I’m dragging her along so then I get ultra-paranoid that she’s having a lousy time and I end up having a lousy time. But apart from these two little things everything’s great with Leah.

I’m just frustrated with something; I’m not sure yet what it is but I’m really cranky and I make no apologies for it, so fuck ya’s all!!  Do you ever get like that?  Really pissed off, but you’re not sure why?  It annoys me.

Maybe I do know what the matter is.  I think I’m bored with Leah.  I know how horrible it sounds and I know Leah is a person and not a toy but I can’t help it.  I need some change, I’m still young (I think. Is 20 still “young” – i.e. can it still be an excuse for doing shitty things to people?)  and I want to move around and meet loads of people and Leah just isn’t interested in it.  I don’t know what to do, am dissatisfied with everything at the moment.  I’m dying to actually do something interesting.  I mean life is not so bad, it’s just a little too predictable, you know?  Christ, what a whinge this letter has turned into, I’m sorry.  Don’t tell Mum any of this, I don’t think she likes Leah anyway.

Well, gotta go, I will write again soon.

Love J

PS Aug 1993 001

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