Category: J’s Diary Entries

1995, J's Diary Entries

The high stakes of deep romantic fulfillment versus soul-shredding rejection. I am going to be alone forever.

J’s Diary Entry Monday, 13 March, 1995 I’m feeling particularly industrious today. I’ve done more than usual.  I’ve done a bit of gardening, actually put my clothes away in the wardrobe and even done some work I brought home with me on Friday, wish I’d brought more home with me. The phone has rung a few times, and it was ignored, I suspect it was … Continue reading The high stakes of deep romantic fulfillment versus soul-shredding rejection. I am going to be alone forever.

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1995, J's Diary Entries

It’s a fucking strange habit, but it passes the time.

J’s Diary Entry Sun 12 Mar 1995 I’ve spent far too much time watching television today, channel surfing in the hope that five channels of mediocrity will be less stultifying if viewed in seven second slices. I cooked a meal, read a bit more Voltaire, did some washing and ignored the phone’s muted, mulish ring. I wouldn’t mind talking to Josh, but don’t want to … Continue reading It’s a fucking strange habit, but it passes the time.

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1995, J's Diary Entries

The Dewey Decimal System & Suicide

J’s Diary Entry Thursday 9 Mar 1995 I got my annual slap on the wrist from Caitlin today. She said I’d been “drifting” since November. I agreed, of course. I found it a bit depressing really. I knew it was coming from a few offhand remarks Caitlin made in the last week or so. I told her that I have changed my direction in the … Continue reading The Dewey Decimal System & Suicide

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1995, J's Diary Entries

I don’t know what I am. I hope that by adopting the idiosyncrasies of certain subcultures that I will find a place that feels like home.

J’s Diary Entry Thursday, 2 March 1995 Christ I’m drunk. I did not think that I would get this drunk on a drink I find so unpleasant, Scotch. I suppose I’ve drunk a little over half a bottle in three hours. Is that macho? I’m too drunk to know, but I hope it is.  I am taping “Hearts of Darkness”, but I thought I should … Continue reading I don’t know what I am. I hope that by adopting the idiosyncrasies of certain subcultures that I will find a place that feels like home.

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1995, An Aside, J's Diary Entries

I think about my death every day. I wish I had the audacity to burn out spectacularly, but I don’t.

J’s Diary Entry Tuesday, 28 Feb 1995 Thinking about longevity. Would I live my life more vigorously if I knew when it was going to end?  For some reason, I am at this moment struck by how conservatively I live. I live in fear of failure. I think of my death every day but my life moves so torpidly. I wish I had the audacity … Continue reading I think about my death every day. I wish I had the audacity to burn out spectacularly, but I don’t.

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1995, J's Diary Entries, Our Troublesome Father

Fucking politicians – we’re left with the cinders of their excuses.

J’s Diary Entries Sun 29 Jan 1995 Relaxing day (eventually), alternating watching videos and reading. I finished off the Nikolai Gogol novel “Dead Souls” (finally). I also started and finished a collection of Joseph Conrad’s shorter stories and novels including the one that “Apocalypse Now” was based on, “Heart of Darkness” It’s pretty good, Joseph Conrad’s an interesting guy. Born in Poland, spent his life … Continue reading Fucking politicians – we’re left with the cinders of their excuses.

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1995, J's Diary Entries, Our Troublesome Father

I just want to feel less disfigured by knowing there’s someone else out there wearing the same badges of aberration.

J Diary Entries Thur 19 Jan 1995 Sat diagonally opposite this guy on the tram who had the DT’s real bad. He had that alcoholic look about him; the seventies shirt, grubby slacks, sneakers. His worldly goods in a plastic supermarket bag. I could pick the DT’s, firstly because his eyes would open briefly under his beetling brows and then he’d frown harder and clench … Continue reading I just want to feel less disfigured by knowing there’s someone else out there wearing the same badges of aberration.

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1995, J's Diary Entries

Lying is essential to fit in with society on that all-important superficial level. People really only want lip service.

J’s Diary Entries Saturday, 7 Jan, 1995 Spent the whole day getting this juggling thing down pat. I can do it for about a minute now, though I’m sure my next door neighbour must be sick of the sound of my balls thudding to the floor every minute or so. Moped around the house being annoyed at myself for spending all that money on booze last … Continue reading Lying is essential to fit in with society on that all-important superficial level. People really only want lip service.

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1995, J's Diary Entries, Our Troublesome Father

1 Jan 1995 – Happy New Year, now where is the vodka.

J kept a diary for most of 1995.  Having read all our correspondence and his diaries in chronological order, 1995 seems like a pivotal year for his thinking and the many changes and choices he makes.   Sun 1 Jan 1995 – Well, well, how exciting! A new diary. I’ve been dying to use it for the last few weeks, last year’s was simply too small … Continue reading 1 Jan 1995 – Happy New Year, now where is the vodka.

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1994, J's Diary Entries

The check-out chick really liked a joke I made about Gatorade being bottled sweat. Made me feel good for an hour.

J’s Diary Entries Dec 1994 Tue 27 Dec – Got pissed, watched videos. Wed 28 Dec – Got pissed, watched videos. Thurs 29 Dec – Got pissed, watched videos then went with Brett and Lara to Punter’s Club to see Sam (from our School Days) band play. The band was good but I didn’t feel like chatting to Sam so I pretended not to see … Continue reading The check-out chick really liked a joke I made about Gatorade being bottled sweat. Made me feel good for an hour.

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