The high stakes of deep romantic fulfillment versus soul-shredding rejection. I am going to be alone forever.

J’s Diary Entry

Monday, 13 March, 1995

I’m feeling particularly industrious today. I’ve done more than usual.  I’ve done a bit of gardening, actually put my clothes away in the wardrobe and even done some work I brought home with me on Friday, wish I’d brought more home with me. The phone has rung a few times, and it was ignored, I suspect it was Leah.  I bet she rings me at work tomorrow. I’m even thinking of telling her there’s a crackdown on personal calls at work and she can only call once a week.  I can then ask Switchboard not to put her through.  I want to dive into my work and absolve myself of personality.  I want people to say “J, you work too hard” in concerned tones.

 

9:26pm

Leah just rang, she had interesting news.  Tim and his new girlfriend Bianca have split up.  I first met Bianca at Leah’s party (10/9/94) when I was nursing Leah through her bad trip.  I thought Brianca was cute then. Next time I saw her was at the Forest Rave in December ’94.  I was speeding and we talked all night.  I really liked her. Then, because I liked her, she made me uncomfortable and I was rendered obtuse in her presence.  Leah suggested I should “go after her”, but it’s a dance to which I can’t remember the steps.  This is one of those “get busy livin’ or get busy dyin'” moments.  You know, I’m supposed to make an affirmation of the joy of existence.  These are always  difficult times for me – the high stakes of deep romantic fulfillment versus soul-shredding rejection.

I’m not really her type, she digs raver types, and the two friends of hers that I met at the party weren’t exactly pleasant.  She likes doing speed and going out to raves and stuff, whereas I’m the stay in-doors-at-all-costs type.  She used to be a nurse, it’s a good sign.  Ughh, I can feel optimism trickling through my system and it feels unnatural and chilly.  See what happens when I answer the phone?  My life is disturbed and I’m put in a tizz.  I’m so easily unbalanced, it’s dreadful. Anyway I’m going over to Leah’s on Thursday night to fix her video, so we’ll see what happens.  It will most likely be nothing.

 

Tuesday, 14 March, 1995

Flicked rubber bands at Simon’s scabby legs all day.  Childish but fun.

Had lunch at “Klicks” – very sickly potato skins and sour cream.  How they make them so badly I do not know.  Dropped into JB Hi-Fi after work to buy a new video tape for “The Simpsons.”  Broke into a sweat in the shop, as usual.

 

Thursday, 16 March, 1995

Brett rang me at work just before 5pm and luckily reminded me about his birthday tomorrow – phew.  I pretended I hadn’t forgotten – told him it was marked in my diary.  I got out of going to his house by saying there was another going away party drinks session at work, this time for Bridgette, which was a bit silly because he knows who she is.  I hope he doesn’t come in to meet me at work in the next few weeks and see her there.  He wasn’t mad at me for missing his gig at “Wall Street” last Friday night.  He said he played really  badly and the crowd were ultra-rough. There was even a fight!

Went and stayed the night at Leah’s and took her malfunctioning VCR to the JB Hi-Fi shop in Camberwell, where it worked just fine.  So embarrassing.  We scurried back to Richmond where we had a few b’s and I ate a whole tin of biscuits that were supposed to be a present for Aidan, so I had to give Leah the money to buy him some more.

It looks like Tim and Bianca are still together.  I was foolish for imagining a match between Bianca and I.  She’s too outgoing.  I couldn’t stand having to meet her friends and gain their approval.  I guess I have succeeded in turning my personality inside-out.  Those old hard-held and misinformed ideas about madness, anti-sociability and genius that so, deeply took root in me have changed me from what I was to this ridiculous self-destructive, misanthropic shrinking-violet that I am today.

I am going to be alone forever.  Eventually, this will make me happy.

 

shoes on a wire 001

A picture I found amongst my brothers belongings.

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