J’s Diary Entries

Saturday, 7 Jan, 1995

Spent the whole day getting this juggling thing down pat. I can do it for about a minute now, though I’m sure my next door neighbour must be sick of the sound of my balls thudding to the floor every minute or so.

Moped around the house being annoyed at myself for spending all that money on booze last night, I almost feel like I’ve been taken advantage of. Not really, but almost. Watched TV, made toasted sandwiches and ticked another day off the calendar.

I rang Josh at 6pm and asked him if he got his tattoo done yesterday. He did. He sounds happy enough with it. For some reason I can’t picture him with a tattoo, it’s just not a natural image for me. He’s going to hide it from his parents, of course. He said that he’s trying to be as honest as he can with his parents these days. I told him that that is violating a sacred code. Parents expect their children to lie. It tells them that their children are aware of the expected codes of conduct, even if they don’t follow them. Lying is essential to fit in with society on that all-important superficial level. People really only want lip-service.

Wednesday, 11 Jan, 1995

Leah called and said she could set me up with this girl she know, whose photo is in the latest copy of HQ magazine. She’s a full on Goth and quite attractive, and I considered it for quite a while, but decided against it in the end. I could probably never bring myself to sleep with her anyway. Self-esteem plummets further, now subterranean. Buried. I wish I could neuter myself.

Got completely smashed on Vodka, lime and soda. Literally stumbled into bed in that blessed oblivion I had drunk so hard to achieve, and slipped from one deadness to another.