From:     S
Sent:     04 November 2002 2:49PM
To:       J
Subject:

Dick called ‘oh MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   (in my best Janice voice).

If he bags you one more time for not calling him, I told him off saying that he was in the middle of the bush on a dodgy mobile for god sake – how is anyone meant to call him!

He says that last time he spoke to you he thought you sounded wait for it – at peace with yourself. So there you go, for god sake tell the man, I almost let it slip about Mum and her twirl with the Spanish dancer and you being a woolly woofter it nearly killed me, you are gonna both have to tell him your little secrets or don’t blame me if I accidentally spill the beans.

Aside from that how the hell are you?   I have spent the last week ill and part of it in hospital (again!).  Ok, I have an addiction to prescription medication, I overdosed and upset a kidney, nothing major just Coproxamol.  So there is my little secret, it’s good to share – yeah?

Now tell me again what you would like in a Palm Pilot?

Love you.

S

From:     J
Sent:     05 November 2002 6:19AM
To:       S
Subject:

Aw Jesus, I know I have to call him.  Dick [Dad] called home a few days ago and left a message with my loser housemate, Ian (GOD what a turkey) saying that he’d be in town “for only a few days”. I haven’t called yet. Never mind! Ha ha!   I ask you, what do you have to do to make him understand? At least it’s a change from the 90s, when he’d always be calling ME saying, “Heard from yer sister?” I swear, every fucking phone call, every fucking time, it would ALWAYS be the FIRST thing he would say. It’s annoying, eh? I’ll call him tonight, see if I can improve on “being at peace” with myself. Perhaps I’ll go for “tranquility” or “a pellucid spring of serenity”, whaddya think?   I’m not bloody telling him about my nancy ways though, I don’t want to give him something to make him think we’re “close” or anything like that. He already assumes it anyway. YOU tell him if you want. Then when he calls me to check I’ll say it’s a lie, get him nice and confused, ha ha! Then you say that you never said it to him and how dare he accuse you of telling lies, while I ask him how he could believe such an awful calumny about me and we’ll both burn him. Then we’ll tell everyone that you DID tell him and he’s losing it because he can’t handle having a fruity son. Ha ha! I should be writing scripts for Passions. (Do you get Passions in the UK? It’s bloody ace, it’s a soapy with the supernatural and this freaky little talking doll character “Timmy” who refers to himself in the third person — “Timmy was very frightened!”)

Sorry to hear about your whole pill popping imbroglio, luvvie. No good at all. They’ll do you in, those fucking things. How do you get them? I go to the dentist AND the doctor in DENTAL AGONY begging for ONE painkiller and they refuse point blank. Ask Dick for a kidney, he won’t say no. Mind you, he’s probably got something nasty from all that shagging around. Good for you for kicking it though. It’s a weak comparison, I know, but I’ve not been drinking since weekend before last. Jade and I both overdid things and had The Shame® and decided to go dry for a month. I’ve already broken it — had a few wines on Sunday at a friend’s place (she’s going back to Sydney) but didn’t get drunk so that doesn’t really count. Anyway, look after yourself, eh?

And don’t worry about the Palm Pilot, I’ve decided I don’t want any birthday presents this year. I won’t be home on the day either, I’m heading down to Queenscliffe to lie on the beach and think about this ruin that is my life.

You know how I loathe birthdays, especially the “event” ones like 18 and 21 and so on. Just reminds me that I’m getting’ old and wrinkly and bald and fat. You should see my teeth now while I’m the theme of decay, they’re fuckin’ horrible!  I had to have all my white fillings out cos they were old and had shrunk and should never have been white fillings in the first-place cos the hole is too big. So now every time I open my mouth it’s a dazzling display of metallurgy. Every fucking molar, EVERYONE! Some of the pre-molars too, now I think about it. I have 12 teeth out of 28 that DON’T have a filling. Jesus. Tell you what, I’ll swap you a kidney for some teeth, whaddya say?

As for your earlier email, I don’t know why Ma is like that. I try to not think about either parent to be honest. It just does one’s head in. I’m out of answers as to why everything’s fucked, it’s all too long ago. I just try to get on with having a good time now, sleazing drunkenly in bars, writing gossipy emails and drawing unflattering self-portraits. Well, I’d better go.  It’s after 5 o’clock and I’m in at work on Melbourne Cup Day, all on my lonesome, so that I can take time off for my birthday (shudder).

J