It’s been one of my recurring fantasies to get cancer and die.

J’s Diary Entry

29 October 2017

Just got back from spending the weekend at Mum’s. I was going to go down to Barwon Heads for a few days while Mum was in court for some ex-colleague’s compensation case from when she worked at the school.  I decided not to got to Barwon Heads, the weather’s too crappy.  Mum asked me to come down to Poo Town anyway – to call Brady and Ola.  Didn’t feel like I could say no, tho going to Poo Town is always faintly depressing.  It turns out that Mum has cancer of the cervix and has to get radiation therapy and a bit of chemotherapy. She’s a bit freaked out but not too bad.  She turns the tv channel over whenever cancer is mentioned tho.  We ended up going down to Barwon Heads on Sunday – it’s beautiful down there, but Mum says she wont move there now and will sell the unit. She says that being ill has shown her how much she needs her friends.  I took some Polaroids of her to photocopy and enlarge for the charcoal portrait I plan to give her for Christmas.

I feel oddly calm about her having cancer – perhaps I’d be different if it was more serious.  She said it’s not spread anywhere.  You know, I felt a twinge of sick jealousy.  It’s been one of recurring fantasies to get cancer and die without having to kill myself.  Mental, eh?  Still vomiting like a champ.  Even threw up at Mum’s place – can the man be stopped? Called S with Mum to tell her, S was also strangely calm, though she claimed to be angry but didn’t say why. She said she’s joining the Quakers. I said they seemed to be the best of a bad bunch.

 

31 October 2001

Another days pent self-consciously buzzing about, keeping busy.  Bought some paper and drawing charcoal from Swan Street.  I went to the library in Church Street and waited for this old bag to finish 20 minutes of photocopying before I could make enlarged copies of some Polaroids. I made a few drawings, but they’re not too great.

Spoke to Mum around 11:00am. She’s worried S is coming over now she knows Mum has cancer. I told her I doubted it, thou I ought to call S.

I called Erin at work, to discover that I’d neglected to include the twenty-odd thousand inside the Superannuation brochures I’ve printed in the mailings. Great! Nevertheless Erin didn’t seem to mind – maybe because;

  1. she’s worried about me being mad; or
  2. I’ve already been sacked.  Ce la vie.

Can’t stop listening to this Lou Reed CD.  I just want to hear “Perfect Day” over and over again. Finished Toni Morrison’s “Song of Solomon” today. I really enjoyed it.  Started Brendan Behan’s “Borstal Boy” today.  Makes me feel pedestrian.

Threw up twice today – some dips and then some cheese & salami sandwiches & ice-cream& chocolate sauce & BBQ Shapes.  I’m still getting fat though.

 

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