Hey, you’re not so unattractive, why are you alone?

J’s Diary Entry

Thursday, 8 June 1995

Fare dodged on the tram today – always makes me feel special.

Simon decided today that he’s only going to Europe for three months. He’s afraid Kerry may not still want him. It’s kinda sad. She’s too proud (it seems) to openly admit she wants him over there, and he’s too scared of rejection to rush over to her. It’s like some tragic play, a tragedy of hesitancy.  Perhaps Kerry only ever saw him as a pre-holiday fling, I don’t really know her.  Simon misses her terribly.

Feeling lonely again.  Just spent half an hour prancing in front of the mirror pretending to be someone else, thinking “Hey, you’re not so unattractive, why are you alone?” Then I remember how scared I am of everything, of situations. Am I ever going to change?  It’s Friday tomorrow. That means Friday drinks, with my 12 month celibacy anniversary being the focal point. I’m not looking forward to it. This whole thing has gotten out of hand, I feel I’m becoming a laughing-stock.

Had a bit of a confrontation with Caitlin at work today. I told her I wasn’t going to waste my time answering other people’s calls after 5pm when the phone goes to night switch. She didn’t like that at all. I don’t care. I really don’t. I’m in a reckless mood at work lately, I guess I should watch I don’t go too far. Everything is such a drag.

Leah rang me at work. Her car engine has blown up and needs replacing – $1100. Her savings are blown and it will take her about five weeks to save up her bond and rent again. I guess I can use the extra $25 a week rent. I can use the company too, I suppose.

Brett came over tonight.  He brought his oxygen tank with him. It sat impassively in the lounge room like a disapproving aunt.  We didn’t have much to talk about, so we watched TV mostly. I played him a White Zombie CD that I borrowed from Habib. He thought it was OK.  Brett knows we’re drifting apart. He borrowed 2 of my books, maybe as a way of ensuring another visit. He showed me his tattoo on his back. It’s finished now, it looks quite good.  I saw him in a magazine of Habib’s today called “Hot Metal”.  His band were “Demo of the Month”. I took a photo of his tattoo, I have some film to waste.

I’m tired and I’m lonely and I want someone to love me.

pretty boy

This photo is taken from the birthday card J made for me September 1992. The full NSFW (but funny) card is at the link below:

https://deadmansdiaries.wordpress.com/2015/08/11/birthday-card-made-by-j-for-s-in-september-1992/

https://deadmansdiaries.wordpress.com/about/

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