J’s Diary Entry

Monday, 8 May 1995

Hey, wanna hear my latest idea?  The defeat of hope is the path to freedom.  As an idea, it’s probably couched in too grandiose terms, but I’m known for my love of textual pomposity.  And poor grammar.  Hell, it’s probably an old idea, but it’s new to me in its conciseness.  Well I need to go from hope’s enslavement to joyful nihilism.  Blow up the world and have a damn fine time of it.  I wasn’t depressed at all today, and that makes me feel good.  Depression is ludicrous pure self-indulgence, but you’re miserable.  Self-indulgence, should be the most enjoyable thing in the world.  Wallowing in muck really is a waste of precious, precious time.  Time that could be spent having fun for want of a better world.  More precious than time though (while time is on my side, youth is on my side) is money.  Money will buy me time, buy me independence, sponsor my perversities.  I need money so that I don’t have to take crap from people like my boss.  I need money so that I can blow people off, secure in the knowledge that I can purchase other people’s company.

Simon started a fight in his football match.  I told him I’m considering a career in brawling myself.  I don’t think he put too much faith in my new found thirst for violence.  I really just want to stop being afraid of my own shadow.

Dead Bird photograph taken by J.