Thursday, 1 September 1994 Dear Sis, How’s the birthday girl? Mum tells me you’re jetting off to Spain for an el cheapo face lift to halt the inevitable march of Father Time. How old are you now anyway? It doesn’t matter, you being five years older than me and all. I would gladly give the flower of my youth in exchange for all the arcane … Continue reading My social life is about as exciting as a Methodist cake-stall.
Friday, 26 August 1994 Dear S, Hi, just a quick note to send with these Cleo magazines. Sorry I haven’t written for a while, it’s been brown trousers time at work and I’ve been putting in unpaid overtime again. Also there’s a new guy in despatch called Mick, and he’s a bit of a puppet of one of the directors, and I’m not too sure … Continue reading You can’t call anyone fat, or stupid, or ugly – even if they are.
30 June 1994 Dear S and Jack, Was beaut to get your cards from France, you sure did enjoy your trip and gee it was good to hear all about it. Did you go by that new tunnel under the water? Your English weather will be at its best now, the last couple of mornings we’ve had very heavy frosts. It’s been many years since … Continue reading And that sort of thing just doesn’t happen here.
6 Jun 1994 Dear S et all (from the Latin “et alii”, everyone ought to know that.), How’s it goin’? I’m sorry to have been so lax in the letter writing department, but it’s actually been rather hectic lately. I have to get through a certain amount each day, and so far it’s been taking me all day, which I am none-too-pleased about. How dare … Continue reading If I don’t get my quota of salt in by sundown I’ll lose my clothing privileges and have to work naked again.
Monday, 16 May 1994 Dear S, Mum and Jack, Sorry it’s taken me so long to get around to writing, its mail-out time at work and I’ve been incredibly busy. I’ve been working in despatch on the weekend too, just for extra cash (I don’t get paid for over-time spent on the book). I just got your post card, it sounds like you’re having a … Continue reading Maybe I should learn French, the language of love, me being single and all.
Monday, 11 April 1994 Well it’s after Easter, sorry it’s taken me so long to get around to writing, it’s been really busy at work and I’ve applied myself to the task at hand with rather surprising alacrity. I guess it’s because the work is a little different from what I’ve been doing for the last few months. What have I done since Easter? Well, … Continue reading I guess I’m looking for simple answers to complicated questions.
Wednesday, 30 March 1994 Dear S, I just got back from buying a new mattress. Leah’s paying me for my half of the old one and I’m moving into the Flemington house on either Thursday night (if I’m feeling as eager as I do now) or on Good Friday, so I’ll need a new one pronto. I got “our Dad” to come in and drive … Continue reading The idea of sharing house space with non-rent paying cockroaches fills me with a sensation not unlike having your undies full of warm jelly.
Monday, 28 March 1994 Dear S, Well the bomb dropped and the dust has cleared, and with the benefit of the clarity of this fine Autumn day, I can truly say that I feel I have done the right thing. It was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, it really went quite well. It didn’t actually happen on Thursday, the day … Continue reading My heart pounding so hard plaster was coming off the walls.
Thursday, 24 March 1994 Dear S, The Day of Reckoning is at hand, this day is filled with strange portents. The cock did crow at midnight blackest, the cow’s teats did issue forth Grants Scotch Whiskey (we’re keeping that cow) and the sky did crack open and wobblesome jelly desserts poured forth on the innocent street dwellers. This night I do split with Leah. Am … Continue reading They say that time heals all wounds. Except amputation, I suspect.
Monday, 21 March 1994 Hey Sis, How you doing? Personally, I’m fine and knot-free. Yes, that’s right, I’m now totally dread-less. I’ve combed them all out, I can now run a comb through every square inch of my lumpy head of hair. Mum will be pleased. I’m seeing her tonight, I’m off to the dentist for four more fillings so back to Poo Town and … Continue reading Remember Kids, Floss or Die!
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