6 Jun 1994
Dear S et all (from the Latin “et alii”, everyone ought to know that.),
How’s it goin’? I’m sorry to have been so lax in the letter writing department, but it’s actually been rather hectic lately. I have to get through a certain amount each day, and so far it’s been taking me all day, which I am none-too-pleased about. How dare they take up my precious time with these frivolities? This….this….this thing they call work! It is very invonveniencing I can tell you.
So how goes Mum’s Euro-Odyssey? As for my own, between you and me, I’m having second thoughts about it, it just seems that it’s a lot of money which I could use to surround myself in sumptuous luxury unrivalled since the days of Cleopatra. You know, I could bathe in milk and honey, attended upon by gorgeous maidens in the flower of their youth, scented and oiled. Oooh. Sounds a bit more enticing than Europe-on-a-shoe-string doesn’t it?
Actually on that note, I’ve figured out the solution to all my romantic woes, I’ve deduced a scheme which will far outreach all my little plans to date. An idea which will indulge every sick little fantasy, whim and indulgence. I’m going to get elected to Parliament. It’s the only way Sis, I’m going to run for office. I figure this way I should get to do over all the Gabor sisters and Mr Ed thrown in for good measure. What is it with English MP’s? It’s not just that they’re all tremendous pervies, they can’t seem to keep a secret even when it’s in their own interest! Take the latest one, that ugly upper class twit who’s fond of Judge’s wives, daughters, pets etcetera – Alan Clark – wow. This guy had the gall/idiocy to fool with all the close members of a Judge’s family, and then tells everyone! As I said before WOW. I firmly believe however, that this is a strictly British phenomenon, quite directly attributable, in my opinion, to the unbecoming appearance of pollies. Most of them would be lucky to sleep with their own wife let alone anyone else’s.
Anyhow, I’d better be off, I’ve still to mine my quota of salt for the Overlord, and if I don’t get it in by sundown I’ll lose my clothing privileges and have to work naked again. I’ll write again soon.
CLARK SCANDAL DESCENDS INTO TALES OF BLACKMAIL AND LECHERY- 1 June 1994