J’s Diary Entries

Mon 6 Jun 1994 – A bad mood day, felt crap and I knew it from the moment I woke.  My first words to Simon were “Shut your scabby hole” and that more or less set the pattern for the day.  Only interesting point in the day was a reflection on appearances I had on the homeward bound tram.  This woman seated across from me struck me as oddly regal in her upright bearing and the disdainful arch of her eyebrows, but below the neck she plunged into dowdy commonness.  I started wondering if she was aware of this, and if she inwardly felt like the infanta she outwardly resembled in part.  From there I mused on the difference between our perception of ourselves and others.  Then I turned it on myself and wondered what characteristics people imbued me with.

Fri 10 Jun 1994 – Just as you think you’ve got a handle on yourself, your surroundings and the relationship between the two, something happens and places you straight back in the bog of confusion.  I thought I knew my goals in relation to Leah and then this morning I had sex with her of my own free will.  I was so horny, I tried to stop myself but the temptation was too great, and the usual feelings of self-loathing did not follow.  I am at a bit of a loss.  I don’t just want to let things take their course because I know Leah will draw me back to her, and my freedom to be alone is of paramount importance.  Well, at least I won’t have to deal with this for the next few weeks, as she’s going to Queensland tomorrow – some time to myself.

Josh rang today.  He’s living in Port Melbourne near some church and he invited me to his housewarming party tomorrow night.  I shall go, I feel guilty for treating him so shabbily of late.  I really must stop being so two-faced, it gets me into trouble.

Pushups: 20, 25

Sat 11 Jun 1994 – I’ve decided not to go to Josh’s party, because I’m totally stuffed from work.  I worked seven hours and my back is sore and no-one else I know is going and I’d feel like a fish out of water.  I’ll tell him I lost the address and go over on Monday.  Oh yeah, and I’m never going to try for another woman in my life!  I crashed and burned with Davina, a woman at work.  I guess it’s not really surprising, she is seven years older than me and very attractive (green eyes, pale skin with dark brown hair) I tried but she was more interested in someone else.  I can’t stand the uncertainty, the vulnerability of the mating dance.  I’ll be happy ensconced in my house surrounded by books and music.

Pushups: 25, 25

Sun 12 Jun 1994 – Went to Vic Market this morning and bought a black suede jacket for $85.  It’s kinda cheap but you wouldn’t notice.  Then I went and did my shopping which leaves me with a grand total of $8 to last me the rest of the week.  I think I’ll have to dip into my savings.  I’ve finished Kafka’s “The Trial” and have nothing to read and it’s driving me nuts.  I must get that bookshelf up soon and shift bedrooms, this lounge (where I am writing, huddled in front of the Vulcan gas heater) is simply too small.  I might go to work tomorrow to make up for the jacket and the books I’m going to buy tomorrow.  I think I’ll buy a Herman Hesse and another Edith Wharton.  I wish I could read everything at once.  Just realised I’ve survived the whole weekend without getting smashed once.

Mon 13 Jun  1994– Queens Birthday Holiday.  Stultifyingly dull day.  Couldn’t find a reason to get out of bed.  Nothing very tempting to eat, no new books, so I re-read “Red Dwarf” until 12 and decided to go to work to kill some time.  Stayed there for two hours, came home, did the dishes then I just fluttered in the breeze for the remainder of the day.  Ended up having a few b’s then the phone rang.  I ignored it and it rang again later when I felt a bit better.  It was mum, she’ll be back from the UK on the 22nd of June.  She got me a pair of steel-cap 8 up Doc Martens.