My heart pounding so hard plaster was coming off the walls.

Monday, 28 March 1994

Dear S,

Well the bomb dropped and the dust has cleared, and with the benefit of the clarity of this fine Autumn day, I can truly say that I feel I have done the right thing.  It was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, it really went quite well.  It didn’t actually happen on Thursday, the day I wrote you that rather doomy letter – Leah didn’t come home, she stayed at her Mum’s while I sat in Richmond, my heart pounding so hard plaster was coming off the walls.

On Friday Leah picked Brett and I up from work and Brett went to lay-by a guitar  as soon as we got home.  He didn’t want to be caught in the fall-out.  Since no one was home, I told her downstairs in the lounge room, which was better, the bedroom being a bit emotionally charged and all.  I suppose it only took half an hour from start to finish, and then I took a tram down Bridge Road and then a train back to “Poo Town”.  Leah and I are both a bit better about it than I thought possible.  I went back to Richmond yesterday before Leah’s flight to Queensland and we got along quite well really.  It was a little awkward at first of course, but I really do think we’ll still be friends, which I am very pleased about, we enjoy each other’s company.  Our trip to England is still on for next year, so I guess I’ll use my birthday money for house furnishing for the Flemington house, and keep saving for England.  Tim is OK about it as well, I was worried he’d come out on Leah’s side.  I realize now how much I value his friendship.

I also realise how much of an asshole I have been in so many aspects of this whole parting of ways.  I should never have told other people about it (I told some people who had neither the right nor the need to know, just one or two) and I should never have made light of the situation.  I understand now that I’m not in High School anymore, I’m dealing in grown up stuff, real people, real emotions etcetera.  I have been really insensitive, a rat and I would never want to ever hurt Leah, I still want her friendship.  I’ve been so needlessly double-faced and assumed that because I have no honour, that no one else does either.  I know that it is terribly safe and easy to play the cynic and expect the worst from everyone, but I should have known better of Leah, I really have done her a disservice.  It’s hard enough living with yourself, let alone anyone else.  I don’t think I’ll be having another live-in relationship for a long time, if ever, though I’m sure a fear of dying alone will force me into one somewhere along the line.

I hope you disregard my last letter S, it was written in a mood I care little to recall.  I want to put moods like that behind me forever, it’s such a nice bright day and I feel so good, that letter seems like a missive from the darkest corner of the dingiest cell of misery.  But then I suppose that there are no highs without lows, right?  I really want some time to myself to map them all out and decide where I’m going to go.

And right now, I’d better go to work.

PS 1994 Mar 28

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