From:    J
Sent:    25 October 2002  12:33AM
To:      S
Subject: volcanic lovemaking powers...(Yawn.)

S

Hey, guess what? I have a date tonight, a hot date with Steven from Pooftas Anon. At a restaurant near his place. VERY near his place, heh heh heh. We’ve already had a bit of a pash –  had a date earlier this week.  No sex, but a bit of a pash. Only problem is, he keeps going on dates with other blokes (two this week), and cos I haven’t enslaved him with my volcanic lovemaking powers yet, I don’t know if I have enough hand to say “Oi, you belong to ME!”  Do you reckon after tonight I can attach the ball and chain?  It ought to be a bloody relief for him — by the end of this week he’ll have had FOUR dates (that I know of).  Two with me, one with the frigid pretty boy who won’t put out, and another with some guy who “sounded up-tight” and really “into his career”. (Yawn.) How can they possibly compare to me?  Unless they’re skinny of course.  I’ve been trying desperately to lose even a POUND this week but to no avail. Still fat as a whale.

Steve, on the other hand, is thin as a rail, but he actually hasn’t been very successful with his loving’ career.  (He didn’t shag Pete last Thursday, due in no small part I’m sure to me crashing the date, ha ha!)  He moved out here from Essex when he was 29, and he ain’t slept with any women, but he didn’t start sleeping with blokes til he came out to Australia, and he’s 35 now. He said that he makes Mother Teresa look like a lap dancer. He’s a bit shy about busting a move. He’s very nice, tho a bit daggy. He has a brown leather jacket that I am going to BURN the first chance I get. Our date is for 7.00pm tonight. Not much primping and preening time. I might have to leave work early to get home and have a full-body chemical skin peel and a home perm.

I wrote a Country & Western song about my troubles.  Here it is. It kind of goes to the tune of “You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me Lucille”. Remember to put some TWANG in it, missy.

O STEVE STOP YER DATIN'

Oh Steve, English Steven
You thieved my heart before leavin' 
To date some guy on the web
But this fool you're deceivin' Is blissful though grievin'
For your cruel and elusive bed.

CHORUS
Oh Steve, stop yer datin'
Cos your true love’s here waitin'
Checkin’ Hotmail for the email he craves. I ain't overstatin'
Or exageratin',
Your dating'II send me to my grave.

We got a dinner date tonight And I'm hoping it'll be fine,
And we'll tumble after a bi-ig ben-der.
My jealous heart is on fire
My eyes hurt, my brain's tired,
You got more dates than a desk cal-en-dar . 

REPEAT CHORUS

Is touching, no? Jade, Monica and I are forming a C&W band. We have four songs so far: “There’s Plenty More Fruit in the Salad”, “O Steve Stop Yer Dating”, “The Sentries of Love” and “Pete Repeat, Why Ain’t You Called Me?”

I’ll play the ukulele, Jade can play piano and Monica can sing and tap dance. I have a list of names but we haven’t picked one yet. Which one do you like?

"Dusty Beds" 
"The Strides"
"Bootsy McScud and the Downtrodden Disciples" 
"Flagella and her Melody Monkeys"
"Busted Up Honkies" 
"Twang"
"Wayside Romeos" 
"Battered Up" 
"The Utes"

I’m leaning towards  “The  Strides”.  Maybe “Dusty Strides”?

What should I wear tonight? I was thinking: jeans, Blundstones, black “big-collar” shirt and denim jacket – casual, butchy-butchy, but still stylish with the “big-collar”.  I bought some wine last night from Alf at Alf’s Wine Shop. He listens to Eminem while he picks my wine for me.  I wonder if Steve and I will head out after dinner and wine to pull a drive-by or two, rob a liquor store then head back to his crib.

Well, must go. I have a digital camera at work. Here is a picture of me. I am beautiful, yes? You can print it out and put it in a locket that you keep close to your heart if you like. I will send you some of my dead skin to put in there with it as well if you want. I am very thoughtful, ja?