From:   'J'
Date:    20 May 2002 05:30AM
To:     'S'
Subject: Bad Party...Bad TV...and Bad Religion

Hey Sis.  How was your weekend?  Mine was alright. Went to IT guy from work’s 30th birthday dinner on Saturday night in St Kilda. Since his parents are winey (they have a vineyard and all) there was free wine, four varieties. I thought “You rippa – bring on the dancing girls!” but after about five glasses and a meal with his respectable family how bitterly I regretted my wardrobe choice of a Wonder Woman t-shirt, I was totally “Take me home…please.” Luckily Tim and Nash were in the same boat (booze and food wise – they have no WW merchandise as far as I know) and gave me a lift, as well as having given me a lift there. I was meant to arrive under my own steam cos I was gonna go to the Astor and watch Cabaret with Jade but I ended up missing it cos I watched Star Wars with her boyfriend, Eli. Shame, I bloody love Cabaret. Embarrassingly, I also saw Star Wars on Friday night with Tim and Nash at the Rivoli. We were in the front row and left behind us an almighty mess. I love that moment at the end of the film when the house lights come up and you get out of your seat and see a perfect outline of your arse in popcorn and lolly wrappers before you scarper out, leaving the filth for those overpaid usher fat cats to clean up.  Bloody millionaires, every one of ’em.

Spent Saturday morning bitching with Jade about Housemate Lena– she just ain’t pullin’ her weight (ooh, that sorta rhymes) in the housework stakes. And then she told Jade that she’s moving to Singapore in two months and now Jade’s rending her clothes and bemoaning the loss of such a good housemate.  I don’t understand. And speaking of rending clothing, we watched Yentl last night. I know what you must be thinking — Cabaret, Yentl — but it’s Jade. She’s a gay man trapped in a woman’s body. And not very successfully trapped either, ha ha! No, I don’t mean that, she’s the very portrait of femininity. Except when she says “suck my dick!”   It’s strangely powerful, Sis. Give it a try on Barry.

Saw a bit of “Thorpie’s  Angels”  on telly  the  other  night. It’s a new show and it’s APALLING!  It starts off with Ian Thorpe (you know, the swimmer who everyone suspects of being gay) sitting in his swivel chair and three starving starlets draped over a couch as Thorpie tells ’em who they’re gonna “help” this week. It then goes to some video of poor white trash who can’t get their shit together enough to do things like BUY A NEW DOG.  Dead-set, there was a family on it that had their dog “stolen” (read: the neighbours opened the gate and let the barking bastard run free) and they can’t afford a new one. It’s TERRIBLE. And the worst part is that the poor loser at the centre of it doesn’t even know it’s coming. One of their other loser mates dobs them in for it! Imagine having your shortcomings paraded before the nation like that! And the worst part is the “Angels”.  One of ’em is called Jackie O – she’s the Farrah clone, flicks and all and two others who are along the same lines. After they get their “mission”and Thorpie slinks back into the closet the “Angels” roll up in front of the poor slobs’ pre-fab hovels and slither out of their Alfa Romeo convertibles and bark “Hi! I’ve got a haircut that costs more than your rent! And I’m here to HELP YOU OUT!” 0 Lawdy.

Ah, it’s good to get your daily rant out of the way early.

O wait – I have something else to rant about. The Dalai Lama was here on Sunday. He was at the tennis centre so there were throngs of dickheads with prayer beads all over the shop near my house. Every try-hard loser who’s ever been to Thailand and smoked opium with a hillside tribe (“It was so REAL, man!”) was salivating at his sandalled feet. Beats me why people think Buddhism is so cool, it’s just another organised religion, same as Christianity or Judaism or Islam. And did you know that the Dalai Lama advocates sex only for procreative purposes? Just like the fucking Pope. Kind of leaves all the homos out in the cold dunnit? And he was never ELECTED to power – it was a freakin’ theocracy before the Chinese came. It’s like, imagine if Tony Blair was declared the God King of Britain, and all the educational system was geared towards perpetuating this and you had no say in it. Bah! Fuckin’ buddhists! I’m with Mao Tse Tung: “Religion is poison.”

Also watched Shallow Hal on the weekend.  I know it’s wrong, but I wanted to see Gwenny in a fat suit. It was kind of weird. I also have a soft spot for Jack Black. He’s got a band too, “Tenacious D”. They’ve got a song called “Tribute” that I quite like, in the tradition of ”The Devil Went Down on Georgia”. I mean, “The Devil Went Down TO Georgia”.  Easy mistake to make. Shallow Hal was kinda funny in places, but the execution was a bit un-PC. Also watched a documentary on pro wrestling that was très disturbing. Behind the scenes bizzo. It’s called ‘Beyond the Mat’ and it’s actually worth seeing if you spy it on the shelf at your local Bollockbusters. Heavens, look at all those videos I watched on the weekend. Wot a loser I am. At least I didn’t spend too much money. Am trying desperately to save for a house. Still ain’t told Dick or Mum, can’t bring myself to just yet, I don’t want them to die of pleasure. (I want them to die of neglect, in a kerosene bath at a cut-rate nursing home.)  (When I say things like that, do you look at Brady and Ola and feel the icy hand of the Ghost of Things To Come at your throat, the Darth Vader theme pulsating in the background?) (Or do you simply wish that I would learn to get by with less use of brackets?)

Well, must dash Sis.

Toodle-oo.

J