September 1997

S,

I hope that you can forgive me for some of the things that I say to you at times.  I don’t mean to, I just feel so much pain at times for all that we’ve lost.

You are right, I don’t miss the fights and arguments that we had but I do miss you and the really good times that we had together before all the trouble started. I am a bit of a mess at the moment, losing our marriage, a family life for Brady, my home and even my finger, have really bought me down.

For someone who never believed in depression I think that I am actually experiencing it. I desperately want us to stay friends through anything that happens in our lives and I know that I have been throwing a spanner in the works on that score, but I am having a lot of trouble coming to terms with it all.

It’s just like starting from scratch again.  I worry about where you and Brady are going to live and how your life is going to change, I worry about how Brady is going to change and how this is all going to affect her mentally.

I have been drinking a lot, as you said, but if I sit around I ponder over it all and then I’m back in a state again.  I want to know how you are, and when you’re not well.  I’m not going to “tell you off”.  I still love you and that means that I care about how you are, in every sense.

I would rather say all of this to you myself, but you know that I just get upset and can’t speak anymore, so I’m sorry that I had to write it down. Love in a relationship like ours never totally dies, not after some of the things we’ve had to deal with and I hope that in some shape or form you can still love me.  True, it will always be hard for me to think of you moving on and maybe meeting someone else, but it will get easier as time goes by.

We’ll always beg to differ on the reasons that we had to separate.  I have an enormous amount of regret for some of the things that I’ve done to you, but I think that in the near future it will become a bit clearer to both of us about the affect lots of other problems had on each of us.  You know how much I need someone to love me at all times, no matter what, and we used to have that type of love.  I miss it desperately .

Bear with me S.

Love Jack x