23 December 1996

Jack, there is so much I need to say to you. But you don’t, can’t, won’t listen, so I am writing it down for you.

On Friday night the things you said were unforgivable, and our resulting behaviour in front of Brady was completely unacceptable. You broke my heart, and embarrassed yourself AGAIN.

I have learnt that when you are drunk to stay away from you, to avoid you completely until the next day.  On Friday night I tried so hard to do this, but you kept at me and at me picking arguments.  And then to hold Brady and say to her “your Mother’s a cunt, she doesn’t love you” is unacceptable, why would you say such a revolting thing, whether you meant it or not, or whether it was because of the gin or not is no excuse, no one should have to put up with this.

If your father were to say these things to your mother and tell her that she is “worth nothing to anybody” I would like to know what you would do, what you would say to him?

Why do I have to keep putting up with this?  You said you were sorry, but what can I do?  I have to accept your apology and wait for the next time.

You promised me after the Tracey Incident that you would control your drinking, that you wouldn’t get to the stage again where your drinking was controlling you, so not 5 months later we had Friday nights’ episode.

I am telling you that I will not accept this ever again.  You have put me in a situation where I am having to think very seriously about my shares and if I need them for mine and Brady’s future as we sure as hell will not have one together if another situation like this arises.  At the moment my shares and job mean a way out for me, a way out my Mother never had.

You are a wonderful Father and a good person.  You remind me of my Father in some ways, you get a kick out of doing things for other people, being seen as a good guy, a hero even, but forget to save or give anything to the people who are closest to you, who should mean the most to you.  I think maybe deep down this frustrates you and so you blow it now and again losing you head with drink, just like him.   Maybe I’m wrong, please tell me if I am, please tell me why you do it?  Please tell me why I should put up with it? Brady deserves better, I deserve better, we, all as a family deserve better.

I know that we have problems in our relationship and I take blame for those too but I do not want to be with a man, or make love with a man who can make me feel so scared and devastated.  You said I am worthless and you probably hit the nail on the head, to you I am worthless so why should I make the effort, a vicious circle isn’t it.  I don’t know what you can say to me.  I don’t know what you can do, I do know that yet another apology isn’t going to cut it.

S