It’s a plaintive tale of the malaise of a faithless existence, as told through the eyes of a traditional Finnish mullet-stunner.

Tuesday, 26 September 1995  9:09AM

Got your letter the other day, thanks S. Nice to hear froms ya. The best thing about getting a letter is that I can answer questions and not just blab on about myself for three thousand words.

Point No. 1: of course I love the gifts you sent me, I’m just remiss in the gratitude department. I like ‘em coz they come from you, you could send me a leopard skin fez and I’d still love it. (Actually, I’d really love a leopard skin fez, with one of those pom pom things on the top.) Don’t go beating yourself up over something like that. And don’t let Ma push you ‘round, get what you wanna get, OK?

Point No. 2: Dolphins delight in homosexual sex too. This was discovered when one of the keepers at Sea World dropped his Walkman into a tank with a Pet Shop Boys album playing. Before you know it – the sequins are out and they’re going one another like nobody’s business.

The Pomona thing never eventuated thank heavens. Now that Winter’s over, I don’t need any more firewood, which was the ostensible reason for going. I wish I was a better son sometimes, but hell, you can’t fight your own nature can you? I probably wouldn’t want to go to Pomona with anyone at all. I’m no nature boy I’m afraid. Gimme TV, gimme processed, freeze dried, reconstituted, concentrated, artificially coloured, preserved, irradiated food. Gimme a bug-free zone with Marguerites on tap, gimme gimme gimme.

God, the ten must-reads? What a responsibility, geez. You do realize I’m just a flirtatious dilettante don’t you? I’m not really clued in to good literature, I just go for snob value. I can tell you my ten favourites from the meagre slice of literature that I’ve sampled. They’re just about all really old, my grip on contemporary writing is pretty tenuous. Geez, what am I gonna recommend? It’s hard to say, because so often a book that I really enjoy has to be in context of what I read just before it, or in comparison to the writer’s other books. Let’s see, maybe I should recommend one book per letter. God, I feel a bit under-qualified for this job. I bet you’ll be sitting under some tree at lunch time, flicking through a book I timidly praised, and then some twat with a masters in literature will pop over your shoulder and trumpet through his wiry moustache “Watchya reading that trash for?” Then he’ll fish out some esoteric masterpiece from the pocket of his tweed jacket and flourish it before you saying “Here girl, get this into you. It’s plaintive tale of the malaise of a faithless existence, as told through the eyes of a traditional Finnish mullet-stunner. Sublime lass, simply sub-lime.” Well, enough of the inferiority complex, maybe the Beat writers are a good place to start. There’s Kerouac of course, he was the pin-up boy of that bunch. And there’s “On the Road” his best known book. Personally I enjoyed “The Dharma Bums” more, I liked the characters better, there’s one character in “On the Road” (I won’t say which one and prejudice you) which really gave me the shits. If you wanna be “well read” I guess you should have “On the Road” under your belt. Make sure you read the little biography of the author at the start, and the introduction. That’s where you get the interesting stuff, like how they were addicted to morphine and so on.

Same day, 12:27PM

Hey Sis, just come up with a brilliant scam. I was sitting at my desk, and it hit me out of the blue, as all truly inspired ideas do. I said to myself, “You know, I could really go a doughnut right now.” I shared this with Simon, and he said “Go and buy me some too you fat shit.” I took this on board, and after about half an hour of being badgered by Simon, I strolled down Collins Street in the Spring Sunshine, and bought a dozen cinnamon doughnuts. Back in the office, Simon takes them down to the tea room to heat ‘em up in the microwave. He takes three, I take two, and then he’s off around the office, selling them for 50c a piece. Hey presto! Those doughnuts pay for themselves! Now I’ve hit the big time Sis, next week I’m gonna buy two dozen, and make some profit. There’s nothing better than exploiting your fellow workers. I might get one or two chocolate one’s next week, so they can squabble over them like seagulls and push up the price. Hoooo hoo hoo, haaa haa haaaaaa!

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