31 Oct 1994

Dear S,

Well, here is the first post-pregnancy announcement letter. So how are you? Pregnant? I’m trying to imaging you in 7 month’s time when you’ll be in full bloom.  You’ll be as wide as you are high, and looking non-the-worse for it I’ll bet. What sort of state is the maternity wear industry in over there in the UK? Personally, I can picture you in a number not unlike that adorning the figure of Ute Lemper (page 54 of the “Who” Magazine enclosed. I hope you don’t get “Who” in England, or it’ll have been a dreadful waste of postage, not to mention the time I spent rooting through everyone in the office’s back issues for the Pregnant Pause edition.). However, I urge you to avoid the white outfits, white doesn’t exactly minimise the landscape, does it?

Now as for naming, I guess if it’s a boy it will be Jack the 3rd, but I can still put forward some ideas for girls’ names. I think first off, what is probably more important than choosing names, is excluding some.

Baby Naming Rule No. 1: Do not name the tyke after anything inanimate. You will notice the similarity between the words “inanimate” and “inane”. This is an important point. People with names like “Coral” and “Amber” are the sort of people who swallow their own toothpaste. They just don’t know any better. They’re somewhat acerebral, like their namesakes.

Baby Naming Rule No. 2: Do not name the child after any virtue. While not only making them the butt of schoolyard “Days of our Lives” jokes, it’s always the girls with names like “Hope” and “Charity” that end up in American porn flicks.

Baby Naming Rule No. 3: Bear in mind the phonetics of the chosen name.  Choosing nothing that rhymes with anything unpleasant. Examples (male): “Stinkin’ Lincoln”, “Bart the Fart”, “Rufus the Poofuss”; (female): “Smelly Shelley”, “Licky Vicky” and Fanny. Fanny doesn’t rhyme with anything, it’s a self-evident nomenclatural torture.

So there you have it, my first installment in “The Baby Files.”  Bear these rules in mind please Sis, and above all don’t try and be creative with the spelling, or they’ll end up with something like “Melyssa” or “Kayt.”

Until next time.

Love J