Category: Letters from J

1995, Letters from J, Letters to S

My workmates have about as much sensitivity as a Russian condom.

Monday, 22 May 1995  1:38pm Dear Sis, Howdy.  I thought of you on the tram this morning.  A pregnant lady was sitting opposite me, rubbing her belly with this secretive smile.  It was a bit creepy to tell you the truth.  Then the tram conductor sat diagonally opposite me and started talking to himself as he leafed through the form guide.  He didn’t ask for … Continue reading My workmates have about as much sensitivity as a Russian condom.

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1995, Letters from J, Letters to S

When I’ve exercised all this wobble off, I might even venture out to pluck a fruit from the Girl Tree.

Friday, 12 May 1995 Howdy S, I’d ask how you are, but I’m too self-absorbed in horror to think of anything but my own suffering.  She touched me again, you know, the Ms X that I don’t want to name for fear of litigation.  She linked her arm through mine and rested her head on my shoulder and quaked with laughter as I vibrated on … Continue reading When I’ve exercised all this wobble off, I might even venture out to pluck a fruit from the Girl Tree.

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1995, Letters from J, Letters to S

If I feel the need to flee, I’ll start acting appallingly. Maybe I should make myself a menu of atrocities to commit, in case I go blank at a critical moment.

Thursday, 4 May, 1995 S, We just had to key in Nancy Wake’s entry for  “Who the Fuck Cares”.  Wow, bit of an awesome resume.  I saw a TV program on her once, she was pretty wild in the French Resistance.  You know she executed a female Nazi prisoner.  I wonder if she got the taste for blood, she seemed pretty enthusiastic about the execution … Continue reading If I feel the need to flee, I’ll start acting appallingly. Maybe I should make myself a menu of atrocities to commit, in case I go blank at a critical moment.

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1995, Letters from J, Letters to S

Guess What?! Someone unseen, someone possibly very sexy, on this day, might have found my bum fondle-worthy!

Tuesday, 2 May, 1995 S, How’s the incubation coming along?  Have you been taking measurements of your mighty girth?  You really ought to you know, it’s the sort of thing you can use against the bairn when it acts up – “You know my stomach was bloated to one hundred inches because of you!!  You’ve ruined my life! Get back in the cupboard you LIFE … Continue reading Guess What?! Someone unseen, someone possibly very sexy, on this day, might have found my bum fondle-worthy!

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1995, Letters from J, Letters to S

We’re getting the internet at work. I can’t wait. There’s a whole bunch of stuff I wanna check out. Some of it’s even legal.

Monday, 24 April, 1995, 10:33am S, Howdy.  It’s a chilly Monday morning, and I feel about seventy.  I spent the weekend with Dad up at Nana and Pop’s.  It was OK, better than I expected actually.  The drive up with Dad on Saturday was torturous though.  He tried to put the guilts on me, it went like this; “How long is it since you’ve seen … Continue reading We’re getting the internet at work. I can’t wait. There’s a whole bunch of stuff I wanna check out. Some of it’s even legal.

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1995, Letters from J, Letters to S, Our Troublesome Father

I resent our Father’s chicanery and manipulation, always trying to ingratiate himself into my life.

Wednesday, 12 April, 1995, 11:07AM S, Well excuse me, I’ve just been dusting myself off after falling off my perch.  Thanks for the letter, Sis.  I feel much better now, knowing that it’s my genes that are to blame for my shocking Magnum ice cream dependency, not my jelly-like will that folds at the merest sniff of that white, Belgian chocolate modestly screening it’s heart … Continue reading I resent our Father’s chicanery and manipulation, always trying to ingratiate himself into my life.

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1995, Letters from J, Letters to S

I’ve always thought the human race would be much better off if we only bred in season, like cats and dogs. It would give it a carnival kind of atmosphere.

Friday, 31 March, 1995 8:43am Dear S, I’m not happy. I just finished my Jean Genet book last night.  Now I have nothing to read.  It’s absolutely essential for me to have something to read on the tram on the way to and from work.  Not for any lofty purpose of improving my mind or anything, it’s just a good way to dodge buying a … Continue reading I’ve always thought the human race would be much better off if we only bred in season, like cats and dogs. It would give it a carnival kind of atmosphere.

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1995, Letters from J, Letters to S

I like to think of myself as a sensory deprivation cosmonaut.

Wednesday, 29 March, 1995, 8:37am Howdy S, Did you take notice of the date and time, specifically the time, of this letter.  That’s right, I’m in early.  We just went off daylight savings, so it’s not really that great a sacrifice.  It does fill me with self-righteousness though, gives me a warm fuzzy feeling of moral superiority over my fellow works.  “Who, me? Oh yes, … Continue reading I like to think of myself as a sensory deprivation cosmonaut.

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1995, Letters from J, Letters to S

FACT: Magnum ice creams are essential to daily life.

Wednesday, 15 March, 1995, 9:22am S, Mornin’.  It’s a good day.  Winter has poked its ruddy nose out of its burrow for the first time this year.  A lovely chilly day – grey, overcast, windy.  I might even venture out to augment my Winter Couture Collection.  I hate shopping per se though.  Shopping stresses me terribly.  I bought a CD yesterday, and it gave me … Continue reading FACT: Magnum ice creams are essential to daily life.

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1995, Letters from J, Letters to S

Like Mum says, don’t trust small-breasted women and do-gooders.

Thursday, 9 March 1995, 12:16PM Hi S, How’s the incubation coming along? I was watching television the other day, and one of those ads came on for World Vision Sponsorship, you know, you get to buy a Ugandan child’s reverence for a few bucks a week, it’s all a bit creepy if you ask me. I was wondering if the World Vision people target childless people … Continue reading Like Mum says, don’t trust small-breasted women and do-gooders.

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