Toasters & Gay Greek Farmers

From     S
Date:    03 October 2002 02:59
To:      J
Subject: Final proof the world has gone mad

Have a look at this madness J.  http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/2294847.stm

How are you my darling. I love your emails. My God you certainly have ‘come out’ haven’t you. I can’t believe how hard it must have been for you not living how you wanted to or if you were, trying to keep your family life so separate, then again there isn’t really much of a ‘family’ is there.

So what happened to poor Bruno?

Nothing much happening here, I took an accidental overdose.  Haven’t told Mum she would just freak and shout at me and all that.

Girls are well, Ola is a great kid, a real live spark, she has real attitude.  Brady is a little witch at the minute, we may have missed out on the terrible twos with her but I think we are certainly in for the snitchy sevens.

Must away it is school run time and I think it is Brownies tonight, or is it swimming, these kids need their own fucking social secretary I can tell ya.

I love you.

S

 

From     J
Date:    04 October 2002 06:44
To:      S
Subject: Re: Final proof the world has gone mad

Ho ho! You should have a look at this too.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/2295053.stm

What a disgrace. (Though I’d secretly LOVE have a look at it.)

Bruno is off the scene. We had a dinner last night as a kind of final farewell thingo and I exchanged numbers with a few of ’em. Then we went to a gay bar down near St Kilda called ‘The Greyhound’. It was kind of dingy and my companions were somewhat embarrassing. This one guy Lance offered to give me lessons in hugging. And he wasn’t kidding – he’s been a COURSE to learn how to hug. Then I got drunk and told him how good I was in bed and he said “Well you’ll have to show me,” and I thought “Not on your fucking life you unblinking starey-eyed horror slut.” He goes to the sex saunas and tells us all about it in this terribly clinical fashion, peppered with very frank language. Some men just sleep with other men, but he’s right QUEER I tell ya.

And there was also Wayne. (He’s the one who got kicked out the hospice.)   He’s 42 and was wearing a white pirate shirt that he unbuttoned down to his stomach so that it fell off his hairy skinny white shoulders while he danced like his trousers were too tight.

I could go on but it’s too depressing. I ended up going to the ‘Peel’ with Jean-Jacques again, but we left around 2.30am. He stayed at my place but there was no hanky panky. I had to loan him a jacket this morning. I sort of hope I’ll see it again.

Tonight I’m going to a 30th party, but to tell the truth I’m pretty fucking knackered – I’ve not been home before midnight and sober since Monday.

Anyway, your accidental overdose tale is mighty disturbing, coming on the tail as it does of Lottie’s suicide. I know we specialise in jaded flippancy but even I have to draw the line there – it’s upsetting, dammit! Look what you’ve done, you’ve gone and made me feel something! What happened? Did you go to hospital or what?  Don’t they hold you in for that sort of thing?   Are you still seeing a shrink? And what were you taking? And how accidental was it really? I can totally understand that you don’t wanna tell Mum because, well, she’ll probably just yell at you but now I’ll feel like a right cunt if you top yourself and I said nothing to her. So I’m using emotional blackmail to get you to look after yourself. That’s right – you have to be more careful or you’ll make me feel bad.  There. I might be devious but at least I’m honest about it.

And if there’s anything you want, you know you can call me any time. The likelihood of you waking me is slight seeing as how I only seem to sleep for about three hours a night nowadays. So when you call, I may be drunk and not shagging someone, but I can always make time for you. Look after yourself.

J

 

From     S
Date:    Friday, October 04, 2002 11:38
To:      S
Subject: Please answer for me.

J

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Don’t worry about the overdose thingy I’ll send you a mail and explain in detail.

PS I have first dibs on one of your kidneys though right?  It  is the least you can do for your favourite sister!

Love ya

S

 

From:    J
Date:    06 October 2002 11:44
To:      S
Subject: Re: Please answer for me

You know, I have OFTEN wondered the same thing myself about toasters. What do they think we’re gonna be putting in there? Asbestos? Even if the damn bread is frozen it still goes blacker than a Tory’s heart.

As for the organs – I’ll swap you a liver for a kidney. I’m gonna be needing a liver before too long. And unless they get moving on this cloning bizzo, you’re next in line!

I didn’t end up going to pub to see that pensioner. It was just a bit too weird. And anyway, Lance (the starey-eyed hugging-class creepy-guy) called and said that he might have confused the names and the one I MIGHT have been asking about is seeing someone, which was a nice escape clause. I have to find some younger poofs, Sis – I got another call from Wayne on the weekend. God he’s sad. He’s so desperate and single-minded. He keeps saying the same stuff over and over. Bugger this, I’m gonna email Steve and see how his date went. Did I tell you? He’s into meeting people on the web and he had organised this date for Sunday with some 5 foot 7 Greek farmer who said he “can’t go to gay clubs cos he gets hit on too much”. Let’s hope there’s some sarcasm in there. AND let’s ALSO hope that it went REALLY badly! (Insert sound of hands rubbing together under coal-glowing eyes of manipulative chicanery.) Ha ha!

J

 

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “Toasters & Gay Greek Farmers

  1. I’ve been absent in my commenting but present in my reading! These entries have really shifted lately, maybe I’ve shifted, I can’t be sure. I really hope there is a book coming out of this site! I’ll be first in line to buy it, or perhaps write it ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Jamie that’s nice of you to say. The blog doesn’t have a huge following but those that do follow are so encouraging and appreciate my brother’s writing. They fully understand what I’m trying to achieve in sharing it all.

      I posted to another reader that I’ve tried linking to everything, Twitter, Instagram, FaceBook (one wonderful follower kindly shares my blog address on his Twitter page) and other sites but it doesn’t seem to make a great deal of difference in exposure. It’s just such a busy, noisy world I guess. I am encouraged that people like yourself take the time to read it and comment. In doing this some people now know my brother and they think he was pretty alright, and I know I am doing something he would be happy with and proud of. Maybe it will help someone, maybe only me.

      Thank you so much. S

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No worries at all! I usually read a few at once. Another friend of mines also reads them. Someone once said to me that those who appreciate good writing often do just that, so trust that there are many who are getting something out of it 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

    I love how there is always a good laugh to be had in each one of these posts. Especially the part about toaster settings. These are questions without any logical answer, though the observations behind them are sheer brilliance.

    Liked by 1 person

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