Tuesday, 30 April 1996  8:50am

Oh God,

This time it’s for real Sis.  I have to decide on a career.  I’m going to be twenty-fucking-four in a few months, and I’m still bumbling along in this job I stumbled into.  This job which is going to lead nowhere.  What brought on this fit of fear I hear you ask?  I went over and visited Leah last night in Carlton.  We were watching TV, and talking about something or other, and the prospect of old age came up, and Leah said ‘Yeah, if someone popped the question, I’d stay home to make babies.  I’m going to be 27 in December J. Being insensitive, I gaped open-mouthed at her and said “27!  Married?!  Babies?”  Then I realized that I’m going to be 24 in November, and The Fear gripped me.  What the hell am I gonna do with myself S? Fuck fuck fuck.  If I go to university next year (and I don’t really have the money for it), I would be 27 by the time I finished your basic Bachelor of whatever.  Maybe I really ought to go for this sub-editing job in Canberra Cav always talks about.  I’m not too sure how real it is though, Cav may be over-estimating my abilities.  Fuck fuck fuck.  I’m all in a panic, Sis.

Thursday, 2 May 1996  8:47am

Had lunch with our Father yesterday.  Ate in Schwobb’s Swiss Gourmet Sandwiches.  I had a salad sandwich, Dick had a beef vinaigrette, then hand-picked the spring onion out.  He’s sold part of his business, which is probably a secret, but I’m sure he’ll have told you by the time I send this.  He got rid of Nissan, which I reckon is a damn good thing, the place was a money pit.  He didn’t seem too keyed up about the whole thing though.  I’d be all jumpy over the deal-making process, it must be exciting.  Well, it ought to be exciting, all that money, all the scams you could pull, trying to nail your opponent. That’s what I should do for my fabulous new job – I could be a deal broker.  I’ve given myself to September to figure this out.  That’s when the university course applications have to be in.  Uuuuurrrghh!  Life gets serious for J (I wanna weep).

Friday, 3 May 1996  8:45am

Friday morning and I feel sick S.  Got my coffee but it just doesn’t taste good.  I woke up with a funny taste in my mouth.  Re-read Herman Hesse’s “Glass Bead Game” on the tram, with two schoolgirls bitching about their friends right behind me. I’m going to buy a new book today, maybe two. I want to have another look for Irvine Welsh’s “Trainspotting”. And I’m going to buy a beanie. And I’m going to get a haircut. (The beanie is insurance in case the haircut doesn’t go according to plan).  And I wonder where all my money goes.

Might give Josh a call this weekend.  I haven’t seen him for ages.  I haven’t seen anyone for ages, come to think of it. I spoke to Brett on the phone and Wednesday for the first time in six weeks or so.  It was a bit embarrassing really, ‘coz I had nothing to say, and he’d been quite busy and had plenty to talk about.  But then again, the things that Brett does to keep busy are not things that I would resort to no matter how bored I got.  He’s having an affair. Well, two actually.  He has his two year relationship with Lara, (who was doing her honours in Archaeology when they met. Now she’s a qualified tattooist).  Then he’s got a bit of blonde fluff on the side (can’t remember her name, let’s call her Fluff) who he had a fling with a few years ago, and is now bonking again.  And then there’s Holly, his soul mate who’s drifted in and out of the picture for about four years, never really getting close enough to touch.  Well, now she’s come looking for him, and Brett is courting her in a serious way.  I don’t know how Brett could be bothered.  Lara actually found some of Fluff’s hair in her bed, and confronted Brett about it.  He tap-danced his way out of it.  I guess sometimes people just don’t want to believe.  It’s a shame, ‘coz Lara is really nice, too nice for Brett if you ask me.  She’s smart, and can hold up a conversation that doesn’t involve either TV or CD’s.  I dunno, maybe she’s one of these girls that likes being treated badly.  Don’t get me wrong, Brett isn’t beating her or anything, but he always seems to get his own way. Sorry, I guess this can’t be too interesting for you, but it intrigues me.  And of course, now the moral element appears – what do I do if Lara asks me if I think that something’s going on?  Should I blab? I’m actually inclined to say yes, you know, because I think I like Lara better than Brett.  And – oh God, here’s the evil in J – telling Lara would kill two birds with one stone.  It would get rid of Brett (he kinda gives me the shits), and win points with Lara.  Don’t get me wrong here. I’m not after Lara, but I would like to stay friends with her.  She’s simply more interesting to talk to than Brett. I think I’ll keep my distance.  I don’t think I could act natural around Brett and Lara now.

What would you do, Sis?  Would you run and tell Lara, would you wait until she asks then tell her, or would you like to her if she asked directly?  It’s a curly one, innit?

J