J’s Diary Entry

Friday, 7 July 1995

I don’t want to do anything about Chloe unless I am completely sure that I won’t be rejected.  And there’s the question of whether she’ll want me once she knows more about me.  Self-mutilators don’t get much good press you know.  And there’s the whole sex/performance thing which so poisoned the air between Leah and I.  What if I wig out in the bedroom and she tells people?  I don’t know how discrete she is.  The truth is, it is going to take such a long time before I trust anyone enough to sleep with them, that she might just get bored and move on.  It’s not like I’m such a great catch that it’s worth hanging around for months until I get my act together and behave like a normal human being. What a fucking hornet’s nest this has stirred up!  At least it’s sent a few ripples through my otherwise featureless landscape of a life.